Sazzy Wazzy

Cause I'm Mr Brightside

2005-09-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

Listening to: The Killers - Mr Brightside

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside

This might probably be last time I be blogging til I get to "Book Out". This Friday is the day that I'd be official sent to an island to serve my country. National Service claims that they will turn boys into a man. But I am man enough to learn to kill another man. And that's exactly what I will do, learn to kill another man.

Am I insane or angry? Neither. I'm just trying to be violently funny. Haha. Grr.

Well alright, let's get emotional. I still haven't decided yet on wether confessions are a good thing right now. Confessions causes confusions you know. I'm always indecisive when it comes to things that matters to the heart. My friends have always been pestering me to confess whenever I'm in this emotional condition. But everytime I listen to them, everything fails. But if I don't listen to what they say and do it, I'm just hurting myself and not letting myself out of my cage.

Let's look on the brightside. I'm going to NS. If I confess, there's nothing wrong cause what's the chance of me seeing that person again unless our destiny crosses each other's paths again. But she's already gone her way, and I'm about to start my journey soon. From what I could tell is, I wont be able to see her again. But then I realise that, absence only makes the heart grows fonder. So to make myself feel less miserable, I should probably tell her this,

(A)

"Hey I have a surprise. Guess what? I had a crush on you but I dont think you noticed it. It's kinda hurtful but I'll be alright. Take care yeah"

or

(B)

"Hello, I wanna tell you something that I've been wanting to tell you. I was so indecisive but now I decided to tell you that I like you because of who you are."

or

(C)

"Hi friend, do you know that you mean more than a friend to me? But I guess this is where the friendship comes to a halt. I do hope our friendship blooms."

So which is the best? A, B or C? Help me decide. But I'll be telling her by tonight anyway. I just want to see a poll or votes to see if I have made the right choice of words.

Middle of Nowhere

2005-08-31T01:20:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere

And this is a song with a catchy tune, about someone who left you alone for no apparent reason. And yes, it's Indie Rock and Roll.

The chorus goes like this:

"But you're waiting at the door where everybody's hanging out
Just like they hung out before
You didn't have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn't have to do it but you would anyway

To give you something to go on when I go off back to the middle of nowhere
To give you something to go on when I go off back to the middle of nowhere"

And yes, I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere and do not know what to do and where to go.

Here's a quotation from someone I know "Life's a one way street but in which direction?"

And I am wondering where I'll be when I walk my path down this designated street.

Wonder and wander and wander and wonder..

I'm going to NS next week. And I have less than 7 days to fulfill my week with activities that I wanna do with the people that means a lot to me. They are my family and friends. But this self-indecisiveness that has been giving me a headache is killing the precious time.

"But maybe I'm a little bit weak - I let my frailty take the wheel" - Part of the lyrics from: Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere.

Yes, I'm feeling weak, been having fever since 3 days ago and still yet to recover. My heart has been beating continuosly too. And now it's bruised and battered by people who makes my heart beats harder and faster.

And I'm just wasting time by not taking actions and let life roll on.

Rock and roll?

I'm Just A Boy

2005-08-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

Listening to: No Doubt - I'm Just a Girl

No doubt, i'm still just a boy going through a life cycle and depending on experience to handle unexpected future mishaps.

And if you think I got back my PC, sorry but you're wrong. This PC I'm using is at my aunts place. So if you see me online at msn, don't ask me "got ur pc FIX?" cause that'll only make me perceive you as one mofo who didnt read this blog. And I do not care if you have not read this nor if you knew abt my blog's existence.

Life's been busy with the phrase: fucked up. And fullstop, it ends there. I don't need anger management. I just need to let it be. Let me be an angry man. I will show no more compassion or be the "Mr Nice Guy" who don't seem to be angry but feel sorry for myself.

Reason? That's because I see myself as a sorry ass loser. Ever heard the phrase 'nice guys finish last?'. I'm sure you have. I gotta learn how to be impatient, impulsive and have to start behaving like a parasite.

I've changed myself before into what I am, so why can't I change myself into what I have to be?
I've already shown my 'bossy' cum 'demanding and impatient' side within the past 3 days during camp.

I was the 2nd-in-charge and I wont back off until some big headed jerkoff from this certain school management stepped down. Hell yeah how 'sarcastic' i became during campfire and showed that guy some piece of my shit.

And I kept on venting my anger on the innocent party: The Students, in which I had never done before.

And now I shall tap myself over the shoulder and tell myself: "keep up the good work, cause every action has it's consequences and i shall not be responsible to whatever happens."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Replies...

2005-08-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

Life sucks. Yet another similar problem and situation. Why? I dont know. Only God knows.

This time I feel numb. Sick and tired of this. How many times has it happen in exactly the same way? Iono. Who cares.... I dun anymore.

I wonder what will i become. Someone who is emotionless? I realise i'm getting quieter as the days go by. Getting more reserved. Bottle up my anger. Once during camp, I reflected myself. And I realised i'm becoming a grumpy old man. scary yet funny. klakar seram. muahahaha?

maybe the young days are over. i should haf spent it like how young people always do.

lucky me i'm going ns on 9th sept. no more heartaches hopefully. greater news is that i wont be in the civilised world for abt 7 months. WOOO! that 7 months includes my BMT. I got extra training to be done. Bleargh.

Replies to tags:

Someone: who are you? what if i tell you i don't love you cause i dont know you. hahahaha.

Gary: Are you gay? If you are, don't find me.

Love is a JOKE. A BIG JOKE GEDDIT?

Devoured Emotions

2005-08-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Slippery fingers clinging on to the edges of life,
Sharp corners peeling the skins off my palms,
Losing grip, falling into a pit of endless depth.
And my heart winning a race against any athlete,
Continously beating, my emotions are bruised.
My mind pondered deep into dark unknowns,
Like a blind man without a stick, I trip oftenly,
And no superman could lift himself up like I do.
Life cycles in a phase til one realise it's repetition,
Making one's spirit redundant til the day it ends.
Every man has towering ambitions to achieve,
But height itself proved to be the cause of it's fall.
And I am a man with dreams yet to be realised,
But I tumbled before the stepping stone was carved.

So you sailed away...

2005-07-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had.

Another camp just ended. CHIJ Saint Nicholas Girls School and Punggol Sec. I'm exhausted. Reached home and changed and slept from 5pm to 11pm. And from 12 to 6 I was awake. Then I slept again from 6 to 11am. That's 11 hours of staggered sleeping hours.

I have nothing much to say but I had a dream about something I couldn't remember. All I know was rhat I woke up with a broken heart. Something's going to happen and I don't know what.

To the tag's that I got, here's ur reply.

Fi: I am having enough rest. Don't you worry. Tanx for the concern.

Ain and Zee: Don't worry too. Life's doing fine.

Lifen and Cherine: Remember the days of camp cause someday it'll mean a lot to you when you reflect on it. Study hard.

Someone: I don't fancy mysterious confessions. Sorry I cant say the same to whoever you are.

Nobody is everywhere.

2005-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Nothing.

I wish i can listen to mp3s but my com only allows me to have one application at a time. How sucky. I need to get a new hard drive. My internet connection's too fast for my com. And the trouble for me to log on is so ARGHHHH!!!

Been bumming around at home playing games after the doc recommends me to rest. But I'll be having a hectic week from monday to friday. No other activities but camps. "Ouuhh~ How exciting"~ bleargh... that was suppose to be sarcastic. I'm getting tired of camps. But without em I got no money. Work is boring and tiring. That's for sure.

My life's getting quiet, even at work. My heart has been painful physically. And I'm just mentally discouraged. But emotionally, I'm stable and doing well. For 20 years and running, going to be 21, I never had someone to hold tightly in my arms and never to let go. I knew and told myself that it has to be this year or I'll go on a big emotional breakdown. But i'm doing fine. Still hanging on the edge of the cliff with my fingertips. But I've been a strong individual for 20 years. Why not another 5 to 10 years?

Yeah.. I'd rather live and die alone. I never had visions of me having a family. But visions of the end of the world is everywhere. De javu more than a thousand times. Maybe the world is ending, or maybe I am dying.

The symptoms of my death is getting so inevitable and obvious. It is a sin to say so but I dare say so. My life won't reach 30s. Maybe 25 but that's it. I hate having this 3rd eye visions of many things that seems to come true. Why am I born 'special'?

As death nears me, I can smell his breath. Lurking around me and attempts to kill me on every opportunity is only prevented by my will to carry on. I am not ready to die. I want to live and love and to be loved. Now is not enough. And I have sins to be forgived. The good deeds that I have done and accomplished is not enough!

That's enough anger of the soul for tonight. I'm not physically or mentally angry. It's my soul that is angry. I'm still here typing and getting bored...

Nitez.

Heart Attack

2005-06-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was working. Having camp with a Down Syndrome Society. The people there are super friendly.

And the big news came. On the 2nd day, I go a heart attack. It was so painful that I could hardly stand and my left side of the whole body went totally weak. I couldn't even lift a pole or even myself. And I could hardly breathe. I thought I was gonna die.

Even for campfire, my usual campfire stamina was short-lived. It only lasted for 5 mins before I had to sit and rest, then stand up and sing-a-long again.

Went home and told my mom abt this. Went to the doctor next day, he told me that my heart was overworked or sumthing and that I need a lot of rest. So here I am resting and bored. Can't even play soccer or I'll die on the field like Marc-Vivien Foe.

Just a casual easy thing.

2005-06-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You

And I feel woah~oh~! W~oohh~!

Ok.. I finally got my shopping list completed. I got myself the long sleeve striped t-shirt. Yes! And it's Vans~! Ok that's all.

ehehheh..

So don't go away...

2005-06-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Oasis - Don't Go Away

Yesterday was so much fun. Went to gym with my friend early morning. Then shop for a t-shirt alone at beach road. Then meet my friends at town to eat and shop for a belt at plaza singapura.

Then after that, InnoTrek trainers had a gathering. A total of more than 20 of us. But 10 met at 7.30pm at starbucks at California Fitness. Then we headed to Swensens to have some dinner. Dinner time was already fun. After dinner, even more joined. So we headed to cineleisure. The plan was to either watch movie or go ktv as a mass.

But before all those were decided, Man and Azhar had a ParaPara dance competition. It was funny. Man attracted a hell of a big crowd and the crowd even took photographs and video shots of him 'dancing'. It was funny and cute. Haha. He tried his best to dance properly and sincerely but it came out like a WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! kind of dance.

After that more joined us when we gathered at Long John Silver and I lost count of how many people were there gathering. Looks like an ILLEGAL GATHERING and can be arrested. But most of the guys there are NS men as police, and one was an ex CNB Airport Officer. How ironic.

Then there, the group split up. Some wants to go Hard Rock Cafe, and some watch movie while some wants to go home. I wanted to go home. Heh~ BOO SAZ! Ok yeah, I was tired after such a long day. I stood outside Cheers! with part of the gang that wanted to go to HRC and Home while waiting for the remainder.

At that time, I thought I saw Fi. Maybe it was her. Maybe it wasn't. I didn't even attempt to make eye contact. How bad. So sorry if I was being ignorant. I cant help it. I hate eye contacts with certain people. Not confident enough to do that. That was why when one of the times her eyes were teary, I didn't noticed it even though I stood in front of her.

Tired

2005-06-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

Listening to Embrace - Gravity

I'm so tired, energyless, quiet and not being myself. Maybe it's because i'm exhausted from camps. Got my cheque today but still yet to bank it in.

I feel like there's a missing piece to the puzzle that completes me. And I'm lazy to search for it. Have I been wasting oxygen?

CAMPS

2005-06-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Listening to Weezer - Photographs

Camps! Camps! Camps! And more CAMPS for me!

Since 27th May, I haven't took a break from camps. First it was North View Primary, then East Spring Sec, then Yuhua Sec.

My favourite from these 3 camps has to be Yuhua Sec. It was great. I got a group with initially 14 GIRLS and NO BOYS at all. Then I 'imported' this senior guy who volunteered himself to go to camp to join in my group cause his juniors of his CCA are there.

It was fun. I never had a camp so relaxed without screaming to get my group doing the right things. Girls are obedient and know how to have fun. On the first meeting, I already considered myself as a "SISTER" to them. Bla bla bla.. lazy to type.

If you want it, you can have it
But you've got to learn to reach out there and grab it

'Cause everybody wants some love
Shooting from the stars above
And though my heart will break
There's more that I could take
I could never get enough

If you need it, you should show it'
Cause you might play so monastic that you blow it

'Cause everybody wants some, ooh
Something they can barely know
And though my heart will break
There's more that I could takeI could never let it go

It's in the photograph
It's in the photograph
It's in the photograph of love

'Cause everybody wants a dream
Something they can barely see
And though my heart will break
There's more that I could take
I could never let it be

It's in the photograph
It's in the photograph
It's in the photograph of love

If you blew it, don't reject it
Just sit drawing up the plans and re-erect it
Just sit drawing up the plans and re-erect it
Just sit drawing up the plans and re-erect it

back

2005-05-30T03:08:00.000-07:00

I'm back from East Spring Sec Sch. Lazy to blog. But I've been listening to this not brand new So7 all the way from inside the taxi to tampines until I get home. It puts me into sleep. It isnt a boring song. But it's like putting the fire out in me as if i'm closing my eyes slowly. Killing me softly?

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini
Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang..
Tanpa dendam..
Kuterima kekalahanku

Aku pulang..
Tanpa dendam..
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

Wooot Woot

2005-05-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a So7 song which I dont know what the title is. I like the song. YIPEEE~

Saat kau proleh rasa dalam makna cinta
dan hiraukan semua angkaraa...
hanya satu buah kitab yang kami jawabkan
terlalu banyak cinta kan binasa

yang indah kau rasa
yang manis kau beri
walau itu hanya sementaraaa..

lihat dirimu... semakin jauh mengayuh
lewati segala tujuan hidup yang mungkin kau tempuh

tentukan yang utama yang satu kau cinta
kan jadi teman hidup yg setiaa..

yang indah kau rasa
yang manis kau beri
walau itu hanya sementaraaa..

lihat dirimu... semakin jauh mengayuh
lewati segala tujuan hidup yang mungkin kau tempuh

Whatever this is.

2005-05-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

voila

2005-05-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

ola.. it's been a while ey? i'm lazy to blog cause i'm busy with GTA VICE CITY. WOO.

nothing happened that much really. here's what I got from the recent shopping outings.

1. Quiksilver long sleeve collar shirt
2. Scooter Monkey t-shirt with a Playgirl design.
3. Scooter Monkey t-shirt with a Beachgirl design.
4. Billabong t-shirt.
5. Levis 506 jeans.
6. Black frame specs.

uh what else? i feel like as if i got more. but i forgot. and oh yeah.. anuar introduced the 92 guys to this eating place at far east plaza. NO MORE CAHAYA~!

Eat at Es Teller 77. it's indonesian food with indonesian music and indonesian guys who serves our food. ok. that was pathetic. but i like the food and the drinks. it's nicee... cahaya so boring. people eat there because it's nearer to the escalator and that many so called 'hunks' and 'babes' go there. so wat.

yeah so that's that. nothing else.

Down Down Down... I'm Going Under.

2005-05-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Oasis - Wonderwall.

I.. am going down. Fuck. I cant sleep every night after thinking what stupidity I did. What have I done. No one to blame but my ignorance. Tested and killed it. dreams shattered. Guilty conscience woke me up.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About vou now

All the roads that lead you there are winding
Ail the lights that Iight the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me

Ripped Open

2005-05-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Here's some nonsense I wrote while listening to Mudvayne for influences.
It's titled Ripped Open

Ripped Open

Unleash my hatred that feeds on despair
I'm just a machine damaged beyond repair
Broken reflections of my eyes bleeding
I'm invicible to you or am I just nothing
The meanings of reasons I have forgotten
I consumed trust, my emotions poisoned

I am bleeding,
I survived from being skinned
Forever bleeding,
You punctured me from within
And my blood shall drown me deep inside of you
Drown me
Own me

Wake me up, bring me back into reality
Destroy my dreams, destroyed fantasy
You'll find me alone, standing here alive
Keeping my distance from your knifes
I will remember how you murdered me
How you slowly and patiently killed me

I am bleeding,
I survived from being skinned
Forever bleeding,
You punctured me from within
And my blood shall drown me deep inside of you
Drown me
Own me

Pull me down into your arms
Pull me to where I can be harmed
By the devil masked
By your lust
Let me bleed
Bleeding forever and still be alive.

Waaaaaatttt.......

2005-05-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Peter Pan - Mungkin Nanti

And yes. Today, I went to gym with syimmy. Supposed to meet him at 12. But I left home at 11.30 for a 1hr journey. Yah.. from cck to kallang. Isn't that far? But when I get to NS, from cck to Pasir Ris is going to be one hell of a train ride. I hate long rides.

Well i arrived at 12.40 and syimmy isnt there yet. So I started RUNNING. Yea. I can run at 13.2km/h for 3 mins. haha. But my best was still 13.4km/h for 4 mins. Need to improve that to 15.5km/h for 10 mins before I get to NS. Long distance.. heh, I got no stamina for it. So how to run my 2.4 and finish it in 9mins like how i could when I was still fit and playing soccer for saf-18. heck. those were the days. when i was only 17 and stupid and angry. and have spiky hair. HAHAHA

Just got my new haircut last week. make it look like how it was back in sec sch. and ppl praise me. they say i'm neater now. haha. tanx.

then me and syim and syam went window shopping. i want to get 1 quik long sleeve shirt and one striped long sleeve t-shirt and a used levis 506 jeans and a simple t-shirt and this cool specs. it's round and make me look like a nerd. i need a new image. i've always been dying for long sleeve shirt. now i think i'm capable of wearing those. haha. but darn my hp bills gonna make me not buy them.

but still, i so cant wait to get my pay tmr. hopefully i can get the cash instantly. going shopping with syim and syam and fuck my bills. haha.

then had a conversation with my friends. talk abt being 'BINGIT'. and i'm able to count my bingit times with my hands. 2 times with 2 diff girls back when in sec sch. once with my friends on my birthday dinner. once with syimmy for NOT COMING TO WORK AT AIRPORT. i had one more bingit time... erhh cant remember wat already. but i know it was when i was in poly.

my friends say i'm not an angry type of person, but when i'm pissed. they say it's like i'm about to beat someone up. hmmm... saz... stop bottling up those feelings. hahaha.

Peter Pan - Mungkin Nanti

Saat aku berkata
Mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lupakan semua
Kuyakin inilah waktunya

Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin
Saat semua di sini

Dan bila hatimu termenung
Bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu
Cerita saat bersamaku

Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin
Saat semua di sini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi
Simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari
Semua rasa yang kau beri

Still Crawling.

2005-05-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

3 days. But digits dont matter. Picking myself up, with a different approach. I realised that I couldn't get angry or upset. Why? I used to get angry and heavily upset when I fall, back when I was younger. But not anymore now. Maybe I've grown up and learnt to accept life.

But am I still capable of throwing tantrums? Or am I throwing one right now? That, I dont know. Someone has to tell me.

Today, a passerby tagged me at my board saying: "It's not right or wrong. It's about making the wisest decision. You are just perfect the way you are." The first thing that come to my mind was, who is this. Then I told myself nevermind cause somehow those words sounded familiar. I knew it was mine.

My own words going against me. How very well done saz. Was I being wise lately. I don't know and I don't want to know the answer. I want to be free again like how I was. Being care-free and just enjoying myself. Let me be this way again for 4 more years before someone else comes into my life and knock my head again.

Who will it be by then. How will it be. Will I still be around?

Peter Pan - Bintang Di Surga

2005-05-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Peter Pan - Bintang Di Surga

Lelah tatapku mencari
Arti untukku membagi
Menemani langkahku
Namun tak berarti

Dan bila semua tercipta
Tanpa harus ku merasakan
Cinta yang tersisa
Hampa hidup terasa

Bagai bintang di surga
Dan seluruh warna
Dan kasih yang setia
Dan cahaya nyata

Oh bintang di surga
Berikan cerita
Dan kasih yang setia
Dan cahaya nyata

These words, sounds so familiar in my head way before I ever started to bother to listen to Peter Pan. How amazing it is that some songs actually reflect our lifes, coincidentally or not. Perhaps not the whole song but parts of it.

What I find amazing about this song is that, before I know abt this song, I already wrote something similar to this song's lyrics. Only that what I wrote, is in English.

Back

2005-05-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged at home. It feels different and I have more private time. Blogging at CyberCafe's not much fun when you know that every second costs and people can actually look at you blogging.

The happy days seems to fade away. I already know that there's no light at the end of the tunnel but I kept on digging. And as I went in deeper, I hit yet another dead end. It's almost too late to turn back to where it started off. Now it's so dark and it's blinding me. You cant see with your heart yet people follow their heart. Follow blindly. So what's next?

I cant seem to let go of the things that I hang on to in desperation. If I let go, I would gain nothing. And if I let go, I would fall. No, I dont want to fall again but I'm already falling. I'm being ignorant. An ignorant blind person. I never was this person. But somehow I'm forcing myself to be him, because I believe when I become him, I would be a better person.

But what if I just be myself? I'm not better. Right now all I can do is, get on with life and be happy. How did I become the person who didnt believe in emotions and only to become this person, who now believe in emotions?

People change, I change. Perhaps it's for the better.

The Final Chapter

2005-04-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

For every story told, there has to be a beginning. And for every new beginning, there has to be an ending. But what many overlook was, after an end, will there be another new beginning?

Fairy tales are fictious. If they were based on facts, the stories would never end. A chapter of my life is coming to an end. Will it be the final chapter? Or will a new chapter shall open a new book?

Ok sazz. What are you talking about trying to be all poetical? Let's get straight to the point.

I'M JUST LONELY~!!!!!

I WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO~!!! AND WHEN I SAY THAT, SOMEONE WHO I CAN SHARE A LOT OF THINGS WITH~!!!!

hahaha. ok. thats all.

-ps. I'm not desperate. I just need a close friend. Not a relationship STUPID!

Hello.

2005-04-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's been weeks, perhaps months since I blogged. Here's an update of my life.

Family: Good. I tend to stay home nowadays and spend time with Acul and my mom.
Driving Lessons: Good, finishing soon.
NS: Coming, yet to receive letter.
Computer: Bad, cant wait for it to get repaired.
Myself: Doing fine, thats all. Kinda broke.
Feeling: Heartaches everytime but it doesnt matter as long as someone out there is always smiling. I'm almost getting over this matter. I hope.
Needs: A break from driving and work. Cant wait to meet syim tmr for a day out.
Wants: Nothing at all but just the discipline to pray.

Still Searching

2005-03-22T22:12:00.000-08:00

After almost 21 years of breathing, I finally discovered how love actually feels like. It is something that I cant describe, and when you know it hurts, it will really hurt you.

In 2001, I met someone and fell in love with her. But some misunderstandings happened and I lost her. If tears of being hurt by someone is what it takes to be a man, then I was a man. But I wasnt being a perfect man cause jealousy was written all over my face.

For 4 years, I saw love mirages, felt the infatuation but none of it feels right and I kept and bottled up my feelings to myself. The scars wouldnt heal properly.

Then near to the end of 2004, I got to know someone else. I told myself that I just want to be friends with her and nothing more. But now I know what the phrase "fall in love" means. When you fall, you least expect it. And yes, slowly I fell. I know the feeling, the feeling that gives me the intangible values that I lost. I gained strength, confidence, trust, respect and many others which my level of education cant describe. It was a great feeling. But at the same time it hurts cause I knew that she couldn't be mine.

When I thought I could stand again, I collapsed. Once again, I bottled up my feelings but I was stronger this time. A few moments of teary eyes but I had enough of being 'sensitive'. But I couldnt afford to let go the hope of feeling this wonderful things that runs in my soul, cause this person reminds me that I can feel love again.

Imagine you had a cut, someone stitched it up for you and you are forced to tear up the stitch again. But all I can do now is, stitch up the deepened cut myself.

VERSE

Some girl in the twinkling of an eye
Dem ah ready fi come pull down mi Karl Kani
Oh come on now
Tell me how can I
Love ah one dat really don't deserve me
Natural fi keep and natural preserve me
Me is ah boy could get a whole heep ah girl ya heard me
Many are called but only few deemed worthy
Body have ta physically strong and sturdy
Spiritually balanced fi clean and purge me
Mentally advanced fi always urge me
Read couple books and challenge the clergy
Read a couple psalms up inna the morning early

CHORUS

Could you be so kind
Then show me a sign
I've been searching and it's so hard to find
Decent values with a decent wine
Decent jubee running it down the line
Maybe it's my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Maybe it's the way that I've been spending my time
I'm still searching for a fine peace of mind (piece of mine)
Decent jubee running it down the line

CHORUS (Yami Bolo)

A little child has grown
And he's got love on his mind
But what he'll never know
A virtuous woman is hard to find

CHORUS (Stephen Marley)

And dat's when she said
She feels the pain
And she'll never fall In love again

VERSE

So if you is a gyal with whole heep of value
What a valuable nice and decent gyal you
When I get you I'll be glad I got you
Then stand firmly inna your life like statue
Seen some old tings seen some young tings
Seen some little silly go and come tings
Seen some one night just for fun tings
What a indecent piece ah some ting

CHORUS

Be so kind
Den show me a sign
I've been searching and it's so hard to find
Decent values with a decent wine
Decent jubee running it down the line
Maybe it's my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Maybe it's the way that I've been spending my time
I'm still searching for a fine peace of mind (piece of mine)
Decent jubee running it down the line

CHORUS (Yami Bolo)

Some say that love is blind
But he keep saying
Not this time
So all he need is love
To keep his heart in line

Stephen Marley ( repeat )

VERSE

You have some gyal ah come pon man premises
And ah fling up the ting that's between di knees
And ah full up man head with false promises
Oh dutty bungle please couldn't want to run that so fast wid ease
been there dun that my main squeeze is natural simply natural

CHORUS (repeat)

CHORUS (Yami Bolo repeat #1)

Stephen Marley

Cause that's when she said she's feeling pain
It seems they have fallen in love again
That's when she said
Lord I feel the pain
And now they're standing in love again

VERSE

So tell me ah when price tag gone pon annany
Gyal ah love man for Benz and Ferrari
Little one eyed brethren weh name Omari
Couldn't get no loving since him start sell stary
Some girl in the twinkling of an eye
Dem ah ready fi come pull down mi Karl Kani
Oh come on now Tell me how can I Love ah one dat really don't deserve me

WRITTEN BY DAMIAN MARLEY

I QUIT

2005-02-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

Listening to PhD Untitled Instrumental

I QUIT MY JOB~! I CANT WAKE UP EARLY NO MORE~! I CANT ARGUE WITH MY MOM NO MORE~!

PLUS I GOT POEMS TO FINISH~! DANCE BEATS TO CREATE FOR MY FRIENDS WHO'LL BE PERFORMING FOR CHINGAY AND OTHER HIPHOP EVENTS AND ALSO RAP BEATS FOR MY CREW~!

ok. that's all. I tink i stick to wat i like to do.

tired tired tired.

2005-02-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

Listening to: Oasis - Dont Go Away

i'm tired. seriously tired.

i started work at airport yesterday. morning shit. so i start work at 9, and end at 5. yesterday went out after work to bugis with a bunch of new friends i made. but i might not be able to meet them again. hmmm. sad but true.

today, ended werk at 3.30, due to an urgent meeting about the recent chai chee sec camp. something happen. some serious shit happen and i'm caught in between. i got no one to blame. not my friends, not tactiq, but if i were to blame myself, it dont make much sense.

i've been addicted to this song by Oasis. the title is Dont Go Away. And now, the song lyrics has a meaning to it. I need more time, to figure out what to do with myself. To make myself right. The song, is for no one but myself. I must be honest, say to myself what I need to do. And stay in touch with myself.

A lot of things caught in my mind. Too many. But the one thats bugging me is, wether I'm a complete muslim, my role as a son, my future as a husband, father hopefully insyallah, someone special for me to be able to settle down with.

And I think my new hangout place has been at eastern side of singapore. yep. it's a place i've yet to explore. that's all.

nitez.

boring day

2005-01-31T01:40:00.000-08:00

i was at home today. i skipped breakfast. den i cooked my own lunch. den i cooked my own tea-time.

simple. lunch is just maggie. tea-time i fry some nuggets. the other day i cooked nasi goreng, and burger. staying at home with no cash to go out really can give you survival lessons.

i've been feeling way lonelier than lonely. i dont know why. i'm not in the mood for love either. never had that mood cause it was lost somewhere deep in the ocean. i just want, someone who i can communicate easily with. someone special but not too special. cause someone too special can ruin a lot of things. yep.

and today, i tried starting to process written words for PhD - I Against God. syimmy wants that to be recorded professionally. I think so too. but we need to get a lot of things ready to do that. zee is still unaware of this song. it's so hard to contact him. actually i can just sms, but sms cost money.

legion of gods also gonna collab with us. and by mid this year, there might be a collab between us and xstatix. cool huh. i'm excited for that. hah. cant wait. but for now I against God is more important. and i cant seem to start the engine in my brain, to process those metaphors. it's so difficult now. haiz. ok lar. thats all.

New Beats

2005-01-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

I just completed a beat. A beat that might be able to say that I'm Singapore's very own Stoupe The Enemy Of Mankind. The beat's idea is like Jedi Mind Tricks - Heavenly Divine instrumental. It has the soft touches similar to that jmt track.

But then my beat is mixed with Breakbeats. well.. that's how it's arranged. a lil bit of taste of breakbeats but re-arranged at a tempo so that emcees could rap to. The end of the verse before enter the chorus is kinda a bit wack. But that's the best idea i have.

I've put in a movie sample from the movie Spy Kids 2, where this mad scientist says: "I created them. Do you think god stays in heaven cause he too lives in fear of what he's created here on earth?" cool sentence huh? hahaa. i find it cool though. So from this phrase, I got an idea for the concept of the song. I want to write on "If i were to be God, what kind of god would I be?" in other words, comparing myself to god if i am god. So i decide to title the beat "PhD - I Against God"

it sounds bitten from "JMT - I Against I" but actually no, the concept of the song is different. So hell it is not bitten. I'm not ready to put this beat up at PhD soundclick cause this is a fucking exclusive shit. So that's about it from one of Sghiphop sick producers. HAHAHA.

Caught In The Middle

2005-01-26T04:21:00.000-08:00

Listening to: A1 - Caught In The Middle

Things are so different now your gone,
Thought it'd be easy, I was wrong
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
And now I'm caught
And now I'm caught in the middle

Well that's the chorus of the song. Here's a recap of what has happened since Saturday.

Saturday, I was out with Zee and Syimmy. Met them at 12 at Toa Payoh and went to town to have some time together before the performance. And by 6.30, we are on stage for the first time. And there's a sense of uniqueness in us. Cause we're different from other sghiphop. We dont mix around well, our sense of style is different in terms of fashion wise, and we love raw street poetics type of music.

So after performance, I meet my Tactiq colleagues to discuss on the Chai Chee sec camps. By 11, i already got home.

On Sunday, had football with the usual bunch and then i went off with mail and hisyam to do touch ups on the logistic work for the camp which set's off on monday.

So it's monday by then and the camp has begun. The school has loads of potential great campers, but the type of camp is wrong. The school demands no campfire, so the noise and the hype for the students are wasted. There should have been campfire, cause the energy level of the students are great. And if there was campfire, it would be a definite memorable one. There might even be war between groups.

This is the first time Tactiq conducted night walk at JBAC. And it was GREAT. Usually this would only happen at Sentosa, but now I can set up super scary night walks for other students in the future.

Yep, that's about it. I had fun with my new role as Camp Commander cum Group Commander, it's tougher than I thought it would be, and I can see how important it is a lot of things that were usually i thought was just minor when I was a group trainer. so that's all.

My skin's so burned, i'm turning black. haha. never was i this black before.

Music is my life.

2005-01-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

Listening to: Lifehouse Breathing. And even if you dont wanna speak tonight, that's alright with me.

Like I've said, music is my life. And tonight, I felt a song deeply. And the lyrics meant a lot as a phase of my life went the way the song was written.

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

Boring Day

2005-01-17T01:55:00.000-08:00

Today. Nothing much happen. The only the fun part was playing with my 1 yr old cousin. Hehe. Acul's so cute.

Then at one time, I switched on the song Embrace - Gravity. And sing it to him lar. And he tried to follow me. And he managed to get the chorus right in baby language.

AHAHA~! I was like... OMG~! hahaha. Yeah of course he can sing at such young age, his b-day is just one day after SG idol's taufik. So he can sing.

So then I browsed through friendster, reading my friend's a/c and the testimonials they get. Interesting. I see a lot of peepz like to write poems. And that reminds me a poem I started out last time. So I finished it. But maybe I can add more.
ps: i listened to a heavy metal song while writing this.

Here it is so far:

Summer has passed;
now the cold winter comes.
Trapped within flames;
that overheats the warmth.

Word after word;
and fingers starts to point.
Point of no return;
And a cupid to dissapoint.

Once I stand tall;
knees collapsed and so I crawled.
Once I fell in love;
now I'm just loving the fall.

Voila~ And also I came across this phrase: Love is blind. So I came up with this.

If love wasn't blind, I wouldn't fall in love at first sight.

Voila~ okay that's all. Hehehe.

Camp is done. And I'm back.

2005-01-14T19:31:00.000-08:00

Listening to: The Charlatans - Try Again Today

It's been since Sunday, until today, saturday that I was away.

On saturday, 8th January, me and syimmy registered for PhD for our performance on 22nd January. And then we headed to Sentosa for Tactiq's meeting for Riverside Sec Camp

On sunday, 9th January, I was at Tactiq's office to get all the logistic materials ready for the camp. Then I help packed more than 500cans and packets of sardines, corns, mushrooms, baked beans and noodles. And at night, there are altogether moore than 600 student booklets to fold and staple and packed. Then I prepared my group activites for the 5 days 4 nights camp with Riverside.

On Monday, 10th January, I went to Riverside Sec with Norli, Bali, Sri. I met my Sec 2 group for the first time. And the camp activities started soon. Jasmine partnered with me and she did a great job. That night, I felt I'm missing someone already. But I have the camp to carry on. So I just listen to a CD i burned, and had my favourite songs inside to keep myself ok.

On Wednesday, 12th January, Jasmine had to leave early to get to Riverside sec to meet the Sec 4 and 5 batch. So I'm left alone with my Sec 2 group and finish up our activities. Soon all of us students and remaining instructors left for Riverside Sec. The sec 2 goes home, and we instructors meet up with other instructors who are ready at Riverside, to get to know our groups. Soon we left to Jalan Bahtera Campsite, my favourite campsite with my new Sec 4 and 5 group.

On Friday, 14th January, this will be the last day for the 5 days 4 night camp. My group finished off their activity and soon we left off to Riverside Sec. Instructors then were asked to gather at a nearby park to debrief. Then we left for home.

For students of Riverside Sec: Guys and girls, you have made not only me proud of your school, but also your other instructors and of course your teachers. Hopefully you will remember us [teachers and instructors] and treasure your camp memories with us. I really miss you all. One day I may forget who you are cause I am doing a lot of camps, but please dont be dispaired as I know, if you're a camper under Tactiq, you were once a great and achieving camper. Thank You for your support.

now for my personal stuffs... i feel slightly offended by a friend when i read something. haizz.. i dont know what's going on when i've been in camp and not in touch with the world. i'm so lost. so now it's time for me to get back in touch.

I'm gonna try again today..
to say what's in my heart...
and pray for a better tommorow..
and make a brand new start..

arghhhh

2005-01-06T03:30:00.000-08:00

yesterday... i'm a lil bit quieter than usual. but i felt low. today, i'm already fuggin pissed off right now.

and yet at the same time i'm afraid. i'm afraid i might just lose someone when i'm not even losing it. it's just my mind playing tricks on me. maybe the sudden rush of blood to my head made this happen.

i dont wanna talk abt this anymore. i feel like i need to put a stop to music too. everything i do, after i reached so far and when i'm so close to what i wanted when i just started out, i'll back out. do you understand what i said? if you dont, dont bother then.

sometimes i hate my life.

You've Got Mail

2005-01-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

Listening to Oasis - Dont Look Back In Anger.

ok, i woke up today morning to go to gym with zee. But a few things came across my mind while i was in the shower just now. The chat about love with a friend of mine on the internet sparked a few things in my mind. And yeah, yesterday's chat, i guess i shouldn't have said certain things. But it's a lil bit to late to turn back, or to even look back.

You've Got Mail, does that sound familiar? Well if you do, i'm sure you know it's a romantic comedy. Yep. I watched that show twice and still felt super-satisfied and I feel like I want to watch it again. Typical me. So the story is about this guy, tom hanks, and this woman, meg ryan, who in real life, hated each other so much. But they didnt know that they're in love with each over the internet. So one day, they told each other over the internet that they wanted to meet each other.

Guess what, tom hanks wanted a gorgeous lady but he was shocked when he say meg instead. So tom knew who is this internet lover of his. But meg didnt. But tom, well, being a man, he decided to open up his heart for this internet lover and yeah. it's a happy ending. And in this movie, tom and meg constantly contact with each other. Smiling away in front of the computer without knowing which stranger they're falling in love with. Internet lovers. Typical. Internet is another form of communicaton.

So what made me thinking in the toilet. heh. I figured out that, it's not how the person looks like, or how much you hate him or her, but:

Love Will Keep Going Because Of Strong Communication Between You And Your Lover.

Remember that, of course being intimate with each other is important too, but in real life, how many times do you get to be intimate with your lover when both is out at work. And after work, sometimes you get too tired and get all kinda ruggish. And when you reach the age of 50, 60, 70 or even 80, i find it a lil bit disgusting to be intimate. So communication is KEY.

And also, sometimes your partner may be the kind, who is not comfortable with getting too physical. Still, a good communication is KEY. And marriage usually breaks apart, because either you dont get intimate enough with your partner, or there's a MISUNDERSTANDING which may be caused from lack of communication, or poor communication.

Well, there goes my Love 101 or perhaps, How to be in love for eternity for dummies chapter. There's other ways to always be in love, and the list will never stop cause love cant be defined. The definition varies from person to person.

So if you have an interest in someone, go start communicating with that person. And let the communication level be taken to the next level, step by step. Don't ask me if i've had this started. cause i know communication is key eversince like the day i was born. hmmm.. maybe i was born with this kind of knowledge. haha. only that it's waiting to be discovered.

So explore deep into my heart and discover the treasure.

Producer...

2004-12-30T03:36:00.000-08:00

ok well.. here i am updating after liza said i'm online everyday but i dont update. well.. if i dont go out, wat is there to update? heh.

ok.. this is what has been happening the last few days. as usuall, i'm a crappy producer for hiphop beats. i've created about 4 or 5 beats lately since gladiators, rise of evil and art of death creation. i've been struggling to create a long song beat. i'm never good at love songs. heck. so be it.

list of the beats -
1. Across The Universe - done because i was inspired by JMT - Animal Rap Remix Instrumental. I thought maybe this beat i can use it to collab with enemyze or any other peepz at divineaura. i wanna get some topical emceeing done. i'm sick of becoming a battle emcee. i cant rap well anyway. that's why i produce.

2. Shape Of My Heart - sounds familiar eh? well yeah, sampled from Sting. got the idea when i listened to Reza - Keeping in Place. so i decided i wanna use the same sample to make a love song for valentine's day. not dedicated for anyone in particular but dedicated to the broken hearted souls out there. initially this beat is for a collab with izza, but she wants something else. yapz.

3. Dear Diary - officially this is suppose to be PhD first audio. But it didnt happen til today. And the beat was at first meant for izza and me, but the beat is kinda scrappy for some love song. and syigalow desperately wants to re-do dear diary, i guess with mz shorty from brunei. i'm not sure. i'll let them use this.

4. Orchestra/Dark Choir - okay, this beat is a little bit too fast for my liking to rap on it. i guess syig n zee will find it a lil bit too fast too. but it's too good to be wasted cause it got the JMT taste innit. but this beat will be open for any sg peepz in sg for a collab. but dont wish this beat to be wasted to some kids who does YO-YO rap. make it street style emcees. murder in fight clubs kinda shit. you know. hardcore.

5. Lean Back and Die - this beat, was suppose to sound like britneys perogative, then it started to sound like Lean Back.. so i said.. hell with it and do it my way. and so i named it, Lean Back And Die. I've offered MiestaMie of Dysfunk Lunacy for maybe phd and dysfunk might wanna collab on stage. if we perform this in clubs, it's gonna be hot. leftool said, he will do with anything. so i guess it's fine.

6 Orchestral Shit - this is a beat, planned for PhD to remake the anthem. but the plan never got started off and this beat is collecting dust. it's dope to be wasted. maybe perhaps i'd sell it off to any crew.

7 Rise of Evil - this song, is gonna be fucking dope once we get it done. you guys can listen to the Interlude of this song, created by Zee at our soundclick. you can feel the rage in it. EVIL IT IS. EVIL~!

8 Art of Death - this beat, lyrics written and then scratched. it's about a psychopath who murders his victim. each of us from phd will put our own version of murder. my version is, well.. if i tell you, it wouldnt be fun would it? hahaha. but it managed to make ppl feel weak, and some even wanna vomit. but to put it into poetry, it's difficult. so yeah. dats abt it

it seems that i've created like 8 unused beats. hell. if i were to sell all of these, i'd be at $1000 each. cause it's professionally done with Fruity Loops and Cool Edit Pro. i dont fuckin need a studio for my quality shit. all i need is my com, and my imagination. haha. yeapz.

so go visit www.soundclick.com/phdof92fam or just click on the PhD link there on your right. and have a listen. Gladiators is up for performance at Paradigm on 22nd Jan 2005. And that beat was the first that got all these following. yepz.

Gravity...

2004-12-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

As I listen to this song everyday, the meaning gets deeper and deeper everytime. I made me think. And I hope it'll help me change. I need to realise myself. What have I been doing, and what will I do. Today made me realise that life doesnt goes on. Life has a fullstop. I want to change. I need to. I want someone to remind me. I need a person to remind me.

Honey
It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear the sound?
Cos I can't help thinking
And I don't look down...

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone
On everyone...

Baby
It's been a long time waiting
Such a long long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Oh can you hear that sound?
Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down...

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I
On you and I

Cause I cant help cryin...

2004-12-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

I just got something to post.
Something personal.
I never wanted to post personal thoughts.
But a friend said it's ok.
So here goes.

I'm so heart broken.
And I dont know why.
I cant find the answers.
Cause there's no question.
I dont know what to do next,
cause I dont know what will happen next.
Will I lose a friend?
or 2 friends?
or maybe 3 friends?
or just break everyone's heart..
and feel guilty about it.

My soul's still bleeding.
The love is pouring out of control.
And I cant stop it.
I'm losing touch with goodness.
And being depressed has become my bestfriend.
I dont even know why I'm doing this.
I'm hurting myself.
Has it become a habit?
Or is it for the better of everyone?

But for whatever that happens.
It's for the best of everyone.
And i'll just remember this.
Not in my mind or thoughts,
but in my heart and soul.

argh~ the pain, feels so deep like a knife was stuck there.
and everytime the heart beats, it feels like i'm stabbed.

I gotta open my caged heart, and let her free and fly like a bird.
I cant keep her there, cause an angel needs to spread her wings.

You dont see me..

2004-12-25T01:12:00.000-08:00

Listening to "You Don't See Me - Josie and The Pussycats OST"..

well.. ever felt that you love someone but that someone dont feel the same way about you.. but you wish that you haf told that person that you love him/her? and that even if you did, you'll only be just good friends? ... well love is unpredictable.. totally... life itself is unpredictable.. but if we put common sense, it's still predictable at some point... but love is too private to even know what happens next... so here's a song you should download.. if you wanna feel emo.. here are the lyrics..

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
'cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and taken and tumbling and breakin'

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would, the way I know you could

I dream of worlds where you'd understand
And I dream a Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke When I turn on the light
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would........

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only crystal and see-through
and not enough to you...

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would, the way I know you could

How deep is your love...

2004-12-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

well.. i'm listening to an oldie right now. BeeGees - How Deep Is Your Love. haha. was hummin the rythm while i was at toa payoh. syimmy also went along humming the tune. i thought it was beetles. but instead it's beegees.

only today i realised how nice the song is. hahaha. yeah. so go ahead.. and say that i might be in love. but i dont think so. it's just those mood swings i hope. the mood swings that i felt to love anyone and to be loved. hahaha. ok.

went job hunting today with syim, syam and mail. i saw nikki today. she's beatty sec very own best camper. heh.. chatted with her on msn later at night. the job hunting was unsuccessful. but hey. there's other stuffs to do.

tmr i have to go to bbdc, and i'm still awake right now, drinking nestum. no more eggs and milo for me... if i can resist lar. cause some confused soul says that it errr... wat.. enhances the sexual thingy? hahaha.. ok.. that's kinda lame and nonsense. but i've been craving for nestum and kfc chicken nowadays. haha.. i blame the protein i take for it enhance my desire to fulfill my urge to eat kfc chickens. haha.. nestum? maybe cause i wanna have the taste of nestum again. since i was a kid.

hahaha.. okayz.. i should be sleeping now.. i guess.. my blog seems like no one visits here. haha. so bad. but at least it's like a personal diary. but there are a lot of personal stuffs i dont post. if i post, it may cause some confusion and sparks in relationships or friendships. so i better not. keep my DEEPEST thoughts to my self.

once again... how DEEP is your love.. i really need to learn. cause we're livin in a world of fools. breakin us down. when they all should let us be. we belong to you and me. heheh~ ok.. bee gees.. go download that song if u havent.

Embrace

2004-12-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

listening to embrace - gravity. someone shared this song with me. now i'm addicted to it. haha. it's kinda got a sad tune. yet but interesting lyrics which shows "HOPE". and dont give up kinda stuffs. "make u believe" sorta song.

well anyhooz. got back from gym and soccer. i didnt enjoy myself at the gym. cause i lost my concerntration when they announce 4pm must finish. time pressure. bleargh. i have to overcome that.

then went to play soccer. ok. i long time never play soccer. it was ok lar. not really fun. the matreps were totally 'kaki bangku'. i've always knew that i'm a pretty demanding fellow when playin football...

went home.. got myself online and chat with 2 friends on msn. they were sharin their problems. sometimes i just cant help them if they cant help themselves. perhaps i should have just keep them happy rather than they think deeper to solve their problems.

then i shared with another friend about some stuffs. i think i should write a song abt this. and i've got the perfect song for me to be inspired.

Songs Of My Life

2004-12-06T01:03:00.000-08:00

Here i am.. listening to Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home... the song would make
more sense if the chorus goes

He wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where he lies, broken inside.

well then i got kinda bored and decided to list all the songs that once meant sumting to me, either little or a lot... so here it is, and i realised that most of the songs, are sad songs, some even meant a lot and is capable of makin my eyes wet. and there's still more thats missing.. i cant remember them all...

Ataris -
Angry Nerd Rock

Avril Lavigne -
Complicated
Nobody's Home
Slipped Away
My Happy Ending

Blink 182 -
Adam's Song

Bon Jovi -
Always

Cat Stevens -
Wild World

Coldplay -
Trouble
Yellow

Goldfinger -
Is She Really Going Out With Him
Superman

Green Day -
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
Macy's Day Parade
PopRocks and Coke
Redundant
Time Of Your Life
When I Come Around
Wake Me Up When September Comes

Hoobastank -
Running Away
The Reason

Marilyn Manson -
Coma White

Maroon 5 -
She Will Be Loved

Metallica -
The Unforgiven

Mudvayne -
A World So Cold

No Doubt -
Don't Speak
Running
Underneath It All

Oasis -
Don't Look Back In Anger
Stand By Me
Wonderwall

Third Eye Blind -
Deep Inside Of You
Jumper

Vertical Horizon -
Everything You Want

Immortal technique, Mos Def, Jadakiss, Eminem... WOAH.. in - Immortal Technique - Bin Laden

2004-12-04T01:50:00.000-08:00

Artist: Immortal Technique f/ Mos Def
Album: Bin Laden 12"
Song: Bin Laden

Lyrics :

[Mos Def - talking]
Man, you hear this bullshit they be talkin'
Every day, man
It's like these motherfuckers is just like professional liars
YouknowwhatI'msayin? It's wild
Listen

[Hook - Mos Def]
Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]

[Verse 1 - Immortal Technique]
I pledge no allegiance, nigga fuck the president's speeches
I'm baptized by America and covered in leeches
The dirty water that bleaches your soul and your facial features
Drownin' you in propaganda that they spit through the speakers
And if you speak about the evil that the government does
The Patriot Act'll track you to the type of your blood
They try to frame you, and say you was tryna sell drugs
And throw a federal indictment on niggaz to show you love
This shit is run by fake Christians, fake politicians
Look at they mansions, then look at the conditions you live in
All they talk about is terrorism on television
They tell you to listen, but they don't really tell you they mission
They funded Al-Qaeda, and now they blame the Muslim religion
Even though Bin Laden, was a CIA tactician
They gave him billions of dollars, and they funded his purpose
Fahrenheit 9/11, that's just scratchin' the surface

[Hook - Mos Def]
Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]

[Verse 2 - Immortal Technique]
They say the rebels in Iraq still fight for Saddam
But that's bullshit, I'll show you why it's totally wrong
Cuz if another country invaded the hood tonight
It'd be warfare through Harlem, and Washington Heights
I wouldn't be fightin' for Bush or White America's dream
I'd be fightin' for my people's survival and self-esteem
I wouldn't fight for racist churches from the south, my nigga
I'd be fightin' to keep the occupation out, my nigga
You ever clock someone who talk shit, or look at you wrong?
Imagine if they shot at you, and was rapin' your moms
And of course Saddam Hussein had chemical weapons
We sold him that shit, after Ronald Reagan's election
Mercenary contractors fightin' a new era
Corporate military bankin' off the war on terror
They controllin' the ghetto, with the failed attack
Tryna distract the fact that they engineerin' the crack
So I'm strapped like Lee Malvo holdin' a sniper rifle
These bullets'll touch your kids, and I don't mean like Michael
Your body be sent to the morgue, stripped down and recycled
I fire on house niggaz that support you and like you
Cuz innocent people get murdered in the struggle daily
And poor people never get shit and struggle daily
This ain't no alien conspiracy theory, this shit is real
Written on the dollar underneath the Masonic seal

(I don't rap for dead presidents
I'd rather see the president dead
It's never been said but I set precedents)--[Eminem]

[Hook - Mos Def]
Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)--[Jadakiss]

(Shady Records was 80 seconds away from the towers
Some cowards fucked with the wrong building, they meant to hit ours)-- [Eminem]

DOWNLOAD THIS SONG AT ARES OR KAZAA
TRY ALSO: Immortal Technique - Dance With The Devil

Curtain falls..

2004-11-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

ok here i am... today did nothing. watch tv, then go out with aidil to ikea to get his stuffs. yeap. and now i'm listening to Blue - Curtain Falls... so what if they're boyband.. hey... boyband still make good music ok.. hah~ some of u out there may go.. "BLUERK~! BOY BANDS??? THEY SUCK~!!" but wateva..

gonna go out tmr and find a job. i haf 2 jobs in mind. ok. dats all. take care..

Rise of Evil..

2004-11-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

ok here i am. woke up at 4pm today. woah. that's really a long night. i was home alone all day. cause my family went off to jb with my aunts, uncles and cousins. so heck. its ok. i did nothing much other than feeling tired, dizzy and weak. thanks roxy jam for this nonsense.

ok yes.. finally PhD - Rise Of Evil [interlude and instrumental] is complete. It sounds better now and is ready for vocals. but syimmy and me havent watch the movie yet. gotta get the dvd or vcd for it at least. or maybe hope that it will appear on HBO. yeap... it's not yet ready to be out on our soundclick tho.. and if we can complete this song before platform 5... i wanna bring it to stage. haha.. cause the interlude and beats are super cool. and it's 9 mins and 5 seconds long.. WOAH.

Gotta say thanks to zee too... haha.. and the beats are way cooler than the Gladiators beat, and the samples used is hot. haha. ok so that's it. that's all i did whole day today. other than listen to my mp3. yeap. byez.

back

2004-11-28T10:59:00.000-08:00

yes indeed i am back since a few days of dissapearance. it's 3am now and i cant sleep. so i decided to blog.

i dont remember what happened. all i know was, i dont think i wanna sell off those hiphop fest tix. i'm all beat, exhausted from Roxy Jam 04. partied all night and didnt sleep. went home then sleep. and now cant sleep but still tired. ok. so here i am. listening to maroon 5 - she will be loved. thats all. bye.

Superman...

2004-11-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's falling down around me
the nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers more than maybe

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

so here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster every minute
what could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles but I can't quit

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want to
throw it all away
controlling everything in sight

I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good bye
life's too short to watch it fly
watch it fly

so here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman

yeah... this is it, goldfinger - superman. ridani's fav song. heh. my life was crushed today by a lousy letter. i'm still holding on to what i am, pretending i'm a superman. pretending to be strong. but i'm not strong, i'm weak, and my conscience is telling me,"dude, you're 20. get on with life. life's too short to think about what to do"

hell yeah. i need to change. i need my $50 now. will someone out there rescue this superman? where's wonderwoman when i need her? heh~ i dont even know who is wonderwoman. let's face it, i'm dead meat if i dont get my shit going. I need to work. So let's get a job. Yeapz. Then NS. yeap. During the NS days, i'll think what's next with what I have during those years.

Wake me up when september ends..

2004-11-19T05:48:00.000-08:00

Green Day - Wake me up when september ends.
Lately i've been listening to emo songs. i dont know. i dont think i'm in emo mood. but perhaps my soul tells otherwise. i cant tell if something's wrong or not. maybe i'm just tired. maybe something is really missing. i dont know.

well anywayz. i was suppose to meet syimmy and zee at azams place at 9am to take the microphone to bring it to my place. but syimmy wasnt there. zee went to the wrong floor when he reached there. he went to level 6. i went to level 8. but azam was staying at level 9. HAHA. ok.. pathetic lar we all.

so went to my place and set up our simple budget recording equipment. a microphone, headphone, a computer, and a software to record. that's all. of course plus our knowledge. it saves money rather than to record at some pro-studio that'll cost us cash. syimmy said he would be here by 11.30, but i expected 12. and i was right. of course. duh~

by 2pm, we at our place, we check our lines before the final recording takes place. so yeah, we dont have good voices. i dont know why. our crew is almost perfect, good beats, good knowledge on rap, good equipment, good creativity, but bad vocals. we recorded our vocals more than once. everything was done by 7.30. but it's still not good enough. i now have to use my creativity to think about the chorus. test my skills again. to make deejay effects with just a computer with cool edit pro and fruity loops. pathetic eh? well i manage to do once before, but hopefully this time it'll be better. it needs to be better cause it's gonna feature in DivineAura Mixtape, and if the scratches gonna be part of a beat, it got to be perfect so we perform well.

i'll do it later, need some break for now. ok byez.

Everything You Want

2004-11-17T08:58:00.000-08:00

well today i woke up, and saw acul~!!!!! well yeah, played wrestling with him. Haha. And once, he wanted to go under a table, i told him, "ah duduk bawah meja, jadi mcm ica" hahaha. den while he was moving, he saw my mom's leg and cried. i guess he's sensitive when he sees my mom. haha

acul went back home at 1 plus. i stayed home. received a call from my aunt a few hourster that i gotta come to her place by 5. i reached there at 5.25 though. met acul again and met my fellow camp instructors. got my pay. $50 will do. i was there as an emergency backup. while i was there, an old song "Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want" caught my attention. especially the chorus.

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

went home with them and i got home by 6.30. immediately download the song. and made my first ever reggae beat. sounds a bit off but my friend said it was cool. so heck.
i watched some movie on star movies. and now i'm back online chattin on msn.

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

Angel...

2004-11-16T06:14:00.000-08:00

today did nothing, my aunt came early and fetched me to settle some matters. then i followed her home. was at her place til 4 plus. played whole day with acul. he's so cute. i wanted to carry him, but halfway lifting him up, he discovered that his leg was straight and he walked. haha. i was just carrying his arms to make sure he's in standing position.

he walked towards the door to go outside to go to my grandpa who is outside. den i put him back in. haha. we ate potato chips together. he cant sit cross legged. he strect his legs out.

and we played with this microphone toy, all he does is say "arrhhhhh~" into the mic. haha. and he put the whole of the head of the mic into his mouth and say "arh". saliva all over. then i teach him how to play bang the tong. haha. he ketuk2. i told him... 'ni drum tau'.. hahaha.. den i make him sit beside me and watch tv. so we watch tv together.

finally today i get to watch kim possible. and i will never miss Totally Spies.. ahaha.. alex.. haha...

i went home at 4.. and got online. listening to JMT - Rage of angels and look at my msn wallpaper. it shows a picture of a heartbroken male angel. he is being hugged and comforted by a female angel. the divine beauty of this art piece just makes me wonder.

then the phrase... "My angel, clipped wings I know" represents the picture so well. it put me into deep thought for a while... and i realised that,

Even an angel needs an angel.

which is so true... a line like this, comes so rare. if u think of it, decypher its meaning, u'll know why i came up with that phrase..

yes indeed..

My angel, clipped wings I know....

Boulevard of broken dreams

2004-11-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

I was at home today. didnt follow my family go to hari raya. and I was switching channels when a tune from mtv caught my ears.

IT WAS GREEN DAY!!! MY FAV BAND!!
and it's a new video i guess..
it's title Boulevard of broken Dreams.

immediately i went online and download the song and search for the lyrics cause i knew it would be meaningful. green day dont write crap.. they write meaningful stuffs.. so here it is.. VOILA~!

Green Day
Title: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone I walk alone
I walk alone and I walk a-

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I'll walk alone

Ah..ah..

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
I walk alone I walk alone
I walk alone and I walk a-

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I'll walk alone

Ah..ah..
I walk alone and I walk a-

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a-

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I'll walk alone

Mudvayne - Not Falling

2004-11-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

Always, known in, all my time,
A little left of center now
Reflect as I realize,
That all I need is to find the middle pillar path to sit like the sun by a star in the sky and
just be.
Sinners, casting stones at me

I... I stand, not crawling, not falling down
I... I bleed the demons that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)

Goodbye, sunshine, I've put it out again, sad
I'm over, personalities, conflicting, I don't need you, or anyone, but me, I'll just be, living
my own life
I feel my glowing center grow, infecting
I feel alive
Shovel dirt over lime, plant it in myself to sit like a seed under covers of earth and just be
Sinners, pointing fingers at me

I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down
I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)

Come play kill
Refuse my body, refuse my shadow
Stond cold will
Refuse to lead this, refuse to follow
Bitter pills
Refuse to feed this, refuse to swallow
I'm fueled godless

Come play, come play
KILL
Just be, just be

I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down
I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down (for me and no one else)

fuck it...

Nobody's Home

2004-11-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Maroon 5 - She Will be Loved right now while typing out my blog.
Life's been pretty hard and tough on me lately. Almost everything is lost. Sometimes my thoughts just hurts me.

Ever since I left secondary school, I've been trying to build myself up. I guess I failed. And I dont even know what, or who I have.

It's the point or perhaps, time of my left, where I met a junction. And I had to choose left or right. Either way I go, I'll lose the road that I didnt decided to follow. I fear that I may not be able to turn back after I made my decision.

I'm still waiting, thinking, at the junction, hoping that something would happen. Hoping that something would show me the way. But I do not wish to go to those roads. How I wish I could pave my own way. I just hope that one of the road, wont just dissapear.

I just dont know what to do.

sori

2004-11-10T07:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry for suddenly dissapear for 2 days. Well I didnt dissapear but was asked to report to camp to replace a camp instructor for Clementi Secondary Sch.

Thanks for your concern. I need to go to sleep. Super duper tired. bye.

tanks

2004-11-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

first of all, i wanna say thank you so much for showing your deepest concern about me. those who have contacted me through msn, handphone, or watsoeva form of communicating, thank you.

dont worry my friends. i am ok. i have told my mom about this, she will then tell my dad. i may feel guilty of what is happening. but i can say nothing. so tmr i will start to finish up my licence stuffs. yep. and enroll myself for a job as a relief teacher. i dont know yet but i must get it done.

that's all. thanks. byez.

broken

2004-11-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

here i am again.. still wondering what the future holds for me. i am of course, clueless. i was hoping to let out my feelings, but this blog is the only 'person' who lends a shoulder for me to rest on. i still dont feel it's enough.

i met aidil today, of course i told him about this. i asked him for advices. well, he have been like a big brother to me, someone who always know what to do. he told me that sometimes shit happens. and for this kind of shit, you have to face the fact that, it is happening. i asked him about his plans and stuff, well yeah. perhaps for now i will follow his steps. surrender myself to ns. well, my medical check up date is on 27th December 2004, which means my intake will be about 6 months later. and that will be around may or june.

police or army, i dont mind. but no way i'm gonna go for civil defence. while serving my ns, i have to be disciplined. i need to make myself more than a thinking person, cause i need to carry out my thoughts. that is, ns, collect money, save it and then continue my education. i haf to be a serious person now. it's time to get serious. you will still find me as the joker, mr nice guy, next door guy kind of fella, only that i have to be more serious. so friends out there, please help me. i have to stop my hanging out, my rap, my whateva unnecassry shit i've been doing. cause time is running out. I am already 20, and i will be 25 in like a blink of an eye. 2 years will be spent in ns, 2 years will be spent in SIM (singapore institute of management), that is if i were to be able to get there. so that means 1 year left. I want to be a complete man by 25, someone with a stable job, and living a dream.

but right now, my dream is crushed. it's always like this. last time, in love, have a lil bit of potential, have a big dreams, have family trust and faith, and it's all crushed. it took me 3 years to re-live everything again, and now it's slowly getting crushed. i can just give up but that's not sensible.

right now, fuck my dreams, fuck potential and perhaps fuck love. i must not lose the trust and faith my family given me. that's all that i need, want, desire. if they can still give me that, then i perhaps need someone, who can go through with me these tough times, someone who i can rely on. cause i've been trying alone and it seems it doesnt work. but finding the right person can be difficult. to me it has always been difficult. all i need is someone who can show me the right way, and lead me there and guide me so i do not fall off track again.

once i am capable of this, i will go for my dreams. my all time dream, to be a wonderful, caring, loving, understanding, stable and confident husband, father, son. of course that sounds, common in demand, but how many people achieved this? not many cause it is difficult. but i have to try. and someone needs to guide me.

so here I am, waiting to step on the first stone, to tell the news to my family, then begin my ns life, continue study, get job, marry someone and start a family. that's all i ask for.i have to change my attitude too now. and it is tough. i've tried before and i guess i've failed, that's why this shit is happening again. so for now.. wish me luck.

wat to do

2004-11-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

well.. this post is to let my feelings out..

i've just been kicked from school.. fuck the sports and wellness diploma.. so wat do i do now? all i have is an o level cert.. my life's torn apart...

how am i ever gonna support my family in the future.. even if i have one.. cause i dont think i'll have one..

right now i just dont know what to do.. everything that i do seems to be taken from me.. i can almost cry... well.. my hands are still shivering while i'm typing this and my mind is so clouded...

i just dont know how to break this to my parents.. and my grandparents too... i know it'll break their heart.. but what am I to do.. I'm their hope and god please show me the way on what to do...

i got an advice from ain to find out from the school's office why was i kicked out.. but the school is a racist school.. wateva it is i dont know.. i asked help from aidil, and he said i should immediately surrender myself to the NS.. yeah i guess it's time for me to go to NS.. for the time being.. only me, ain, aidil and u, the person reading this know what's going on...

that's all... tanx..

Marilyn Manson - Coma White

2004-11-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

first of all.. heck.. i do not care about what happened today...

Shasha.. whoever you are.. can you please tell me what is going on...
I'm slightly confused.. why do you say that I should be happy? haizz~...

i do not know why my life has been 'cursed' in this manner. it will always begin with me not knowing a clue.. and the next thing is... ppl are gone...

dejavu when i typed that... i wish i can turn back time and change the world.. take back all my actions and wish that i have done something different.. haiz...

Marilyn Manson - Coma White... i first heard and read the lyrics of this song when i was in secondary school.. i cried to myself when i imagined this words..

There's something cold and blank behind her smile
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
[coma:]
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
[coma:]
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
[chorus repeat]

Saz the Kung-Fu Masta

2004-11-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

ok first of all... today started off kinda slow.. ye yeah~ i dunnoe how to begin... well ok lets start this way...

i woke up and yeah.. chatted on msn... something happen that got me worried for a while.. but i dun feel that's important for u readers to know.. ok so i was suppose to meet irna at 3.30 at bugis mrt... but it was raining so heavily.. i was stuck under this void deck for half an hour.. and the rain eased around 3.00...

so i took the train.. so this girl.. who looked so familiar.. isnt who i thought she is.. she dropped her specs.. well yeah.. i tot i wanna pick it up for her.. but i told irna to do it.. PHEW... so reached bugis and met Alif... I got wat i wanted.. but not the color that i wanted.. aha.. i got this black chinese kung-fu costume.. so nice.. hahah.. wanted to get the one with the Dragon design but.. naahh...

so we went to arab street.. got myself kueh boyan... and so did alif.. then we walked to beach road... wanna search for t-shirts.. well.. got 2 of them.. when i try em out at home.. i felt like i wasted my money.. but heck... irna wanted me to buy those slippers.. i was like.. no way... but i gave it second thoughts.. and more second thoughts.. so didnt get em.. PHEW...

so we then decided to go off.. alif left to toa payoh cyber cafe.. while me and irna went to causeway point.. i shopped for some khaki jeans there.. it's cool shit.. haha.. all i need is a white t to accompany that cool jeans... so after that we buka.. den met yasmin... irna and yasmin went to cck to meet their friend to collect money to buy the Roxy Jam tickets.. we're all going to get the tickets tmr.. haha.. cant wait to get my quik mini bag-pack.. so i went home...

my sister was online chattin with her bf.. i tried out the new stuffs and showed her.. and dats abt it.. i called feelza at 10.15.. haha.. i'm worried bout this girl... haiz.. well.. anyhoooosss.... she went to msn.. and now we're chattin and postin our blog entries up.. well yeah.. so here i am.. thats all for today folks..

take care... byezz..

Akon - Belly Dancer

2004-10-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

ever wondered why my topics always don't make sense? haaha... okayz... well.. i'm gonna post for wateva happened today..

first off... i woke up.. yeah.. kinda early today.. 10am and i'm already awake... aidil called minutes later that he, zad and alif is coming over my place...

so it's 12++ and they arrived. i was watching some lame funny movie on hbo about this bunch of army men. well... they arrived and zad wanna create some beats.. so yeah.. he made the beats and still unfinished yet. aidil and alif was playing some game that i have. and they played for more an hour for one lousy challenge and still cant have a winner. haha. pathetic game thingy larr... so they decided it's a draw.

aidil and alif then joined me watch tv with my sis.. haha.. we were watching some classic football.. hahaha.. a lot of bloopers.. hahaha~ it's funny.. sheeshh... soon it was already 4pm and raining super heavily here in cck... woo~

and we were gonna leave... i get set and ready to leave with em... once we reached downstairs... it was soooooooo f*ckin slippery... hahaa... zad was playing sliding here and there... then he invited aidil a challenge on who can slide the longest.. aidil lost and gave and zad was playing by himself.. he finally stopped playing when he fell... ouch~ kinda funny tho.. heheh.. but he hurt himself on the knee...

we then rested for a while before a cockroached sneaked behind me... haha.. i panicked... soon all i know is, alif, aidil and zad were playing soccer.. kicking cockroaches... THERE WAS SOOOO MANY OF THESE UGLY BUGS! i dont know how many died because of the soccer game... i think about 5 to 6 died... and there's still more alive...

then we moved to the area where aidil parked his car... alif and zad were playing grinding the curb with shoes... haha.. and making skate tricks.. they almost slipped themselves up a couple of times but this time they were more careful... it's still raining heavily and we wanted to rush and grab the umbrella and the boot's of aidils car...

so zad and me rushed together... i saw the umbrella.. tried to jump for it... i ended up knocking my head on the cover of the boot.. hahaha.. and i was lying down inside the boot... hahaha.. gawd... zad took the umbrella and we moved.... and my head hurts for like half an hour... and at town.. i was feeling all giddy..

we reached town.. saw kenny.. our nypian friend.. chatted with him while waiting for ain, irna and hisyam to arrive.. and soon they arrived.. we still stood there chattin.. haha.. and we saw... HASYIM'S CLONE.. hahaha.. OMG.. he looks so much the same... the style and everything~!! haha..

so we had some window shopping at far east shopping center.. it felt like hours... haha.. cant find a place to break our fast there and time is running out... but somehow we still got the time to go to this Roxy / Quicksilver shop at pacific plaza... got some cool stuff i'm eyeing there.. but i tink i'll stick to the cool Billabong and Stussy stuffs at queensway.. yeah.. so hisyam got a couple of t-shirts and we left...

we are supposed to meet zee who have been working at THE ISTANA the whole day at cheers.. but he was late.. we bought drinks at seven eleven and soon it's time to break fast so we did.. we moved on to the mrt station where we're suppose to meet syimmy but instead we saw zee... i chatted and sit down with him as the rest of the peepz went down to find syimmy... i bought 2 packets of curry puffs cause i cant help seeing this malay lady selling her curry puffs... i pitied her and her effort so i bought... IT'S NICE... yummy.. soon the rest came with syimmy...

we then discussed on where to eat.. haha... it's already 7.30 and we all havent had proper food... except for me who ate 4 curry puffs...... heheheh... we walked and walked til we reached Plaza Singapura... by now there's already.. Me, aidil, hisyam, hasyim, irna, zee, ain, zad... alif had left early on at far east to meet his band members..

we reached far east and had our food at plaza singapura... yeah.. me, aidil, zee and ain sat on one set of chairs and table while the other 4 on another set... our table finished our food early... and during the conversation.. zee told a story abt him kutuk his brother abt ears.. then ain pointed out that zee is like dissing himself when zee dissed his younger bro.. haha.. soon aidil got bored and decided to throw my leftover fries at hasyim... zad decided to revenge with throwing more fries... only one piece hit our table.. it hit me.. and the rest hit other tables.. haha.. GAWD..

after that.. we all went to carrefour.. i accompanied aidil to look for 'air wick' for his car while the rest were busy playing with halloween toys.. ain showed me and aidil the pictures of their activities at carrefour... ahhaa.. okayz.. after that.. we all decided to go to 95.. me, hisyam, hasyim and irna took the train while the other 4 took aidil's car... yap...

we visited this small promotional thingy outside PS... and i saw this super duper light weight shoe being sold at 16.90.. i gotta cop'em... haha.. yeah.. so we headed to 95 after that

suprisingly the train seemed to travel faster than the car.. even after we had some time for a lengthy window shoppin for a while.. so we met halifi and azam there at 95... and mail arrived soon... ok now it's like.. 11 people.. yap... we chatted and stuffs... and soon we went home.. aidil droved me home, in the car is also irna and zee and ain.. yap.. the usual..

so i reached home.. checked up on friendster and my blog.. saw feelza taggin me.. haha.. ok.. i didnt call her today.. kinda missed the lousy conversation i always chat about.. ahaahha... so i went up to check her bloggie cause i know she must have been online.. well she posted a new post.. and she was at FAR EAST??? so close yet so far.. woaahh... okayz.. that's about it.. for today... yeah.. so wateva it is.. tanks for reading this lengthy post... hahaha.. nitez..

and the reason is you..

2004-10-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

ok first of all.. hello~ howdy~ i'm back.. hehe.. so yeah. i woke up at 10am today.. gotta meet joe to help halifi on his proposal to get his ex-girlfriend back. yeah.. so i woke up and yeah.. of course.. i bathed.. DUH..

ok.. so i went out from home.. headed to the mrt, thinking i was late. and when i reached the staircase there.. there was this bunch of malay girls from yusof ishak sec.. they were giving out rubber pens if we sorta give donations.. so i tried to avoid eye contact even though 1 or 2 of em were kinda hot. haha. yeah i did saw them, and one of them gave me this... look. haha. and when i reached at the control station.. i realised that i forgot to bring my wallet. OH NO...

so i had to go back home.. errghh.. the trouble... so yeah. i decided to go through lot 1, to avoid them. but at the entrance of lot 1, MORE YISS girls.. and this time.. the whole of em gave me this look again.. the kind of look in which... like.. i can just easily respond.. NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY BEFORE ARH? aiyah.. so yeah... i reached home, picked my wallet and went off..

this time the girls werent there anymore.. so... PHEW... haha.. i thought i was gonna be late to meet Joe and Halifi, but i came on time, and they were late. well, Joe a bit later cause it's raining. Halifi went to get a sunflower for the proposal. so while waiting alone, i saw this girl from CHIJ Tanjong Katong, she's kinda cute, with that tied up into hair and the yeah.. there was this accidental eye contact.. i blushed.. WTH.. haha.. ok weird.. so she blushed again.. and i looked down..

so we were outside first toa payoh sec sch. practiced our routine for one last time.. hehe. and waited til it's 2pm. so yeah.. Ati (the girl Halifi chasing) arrived.. we had to somesort of chase her. so we did the proposal together, halifi sang her this Oasis song, then we danced and shaked our butts to spell out the name Ati. she was blushin as hell. so was I.. and halifi proposed..

so after that, halifi went off with Ati, to give her the flower, me and joe left with a guy named Latiff. he seemed to be a fan of 92fam. iono. so we chatted abt hiphop as we walked to toa payoh interchange. aidil called along the way, asking me if i could follow him to zouk. i said yeah. but i dint go in the end. sorri dude..

i called feelza around 2.30. she wasn't fasting due to 'girl problems'. we hanged out at macdonalds. joe meet up with his new CHIJ Tanjong Katong friends.. all females. and one of them is a sweet lookin cute girl, who Joe asked her to observed me. haha. i realised.. and said.. OI~ DONT GOSSIP ABOUT ME~.. so Joe just laughed.. and she blushed.. can see the red cheecks... haha.. ok..

soon zad came and we headed to my place over at cck. zad created a beat rythm, and yeah... he didnt finish it. my mom called saying that i must break my fast over at my grand ma's place.. so i smsed aidil that i couldnt go. so around 635.. we headed to teck whye... broke our fast there together with my mom, grand parents and Joe and Zad..

i didnt eat much.. erhkz.. no desire.. dun like bubur actually. hehe. on the way back, zad and joe were singin their hearts out. haha. they sang the barney 'i love you' and 'ants go marching in' song. turned it into RnB. haha. it was nice.. haha.. seriously.. they changed the rythm and all.. talented peepz of mine who didnt get the chance to break through into the hiphop scene last year.

so yeah, i went home and zad and joe went their way. i chatted with syeera, and all i know is suddenly feelza was upset with me and syeera for talkin to each other. i was soooooo guilty for what i've did. i know it was kinda silly but, errkzz. nevermind. wateva it is, wat's done is done.. yeah.. we both apologised.. sorri still..

then after that, i was online.. listening to music then chatted with lynn. shared with her parts of my life.. until now lar.. well.. yeah that's all. k bubbyez...

verses of the bleeding..

2004-10-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

ok todays is another day. woke up.. i was surprised when I saw feelza online. well yeah as usual chatted with her. while chattin.. i created a new background for her bloggie.. to look exactly like mine cause she wanted it.. well yeah.. at first i made a nice one.. puttin her face there.. but she said.. it's not nice.. WTH.. and she asked me to put her eyes instead... ok so i just followed instructions..

then after that i edited my own bloggie. by that time she went offline already and told me that she wont be online til her o levels finish. so this is the current design that u see.. nice eh? hehehe

after break fast with my family, i went to meet aidil to get to 95. promised halifi and joe we gonna practice to do some cheer to help halifi win his girl back. halifi, joe, zad, aidil, syimmy was there.

i called feelza for the first time.. haha.. was pretty nervous scared that i dunnoe wat to tok abt.. but zad and syimmy and aidil joined in the conversation through their own handphones. a huge conference. well... i didnt do much talking then.. hehehe. but it's alright.

and guess wat, aidil went to the toilet to pee, and we can hear the PEEING sound in our conference.. haha.. i dunnoe of feelza heard that.. haha..

ok so on the way home, feelza said i shud call her again at 2 tmr. yeapz.. heh
so now i reached home.. nothin much.. life is getting boring cause i stay home too often nowadays.. well.. wat to say... it's the ramadhan.. well.. thats all. take care..

A new look...

2004-10-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

well.. here I am.. posting on a boring day. dont expect the usual long daily composition type of post.

I woke up at 2.45 pm today. awfully late. well, schools over. I did nothing all day other than sitting in front of my pc. All i did was downloading mozart mp3s, trying to find the perfect sample. I had chopped up a few samples and turned them into beats. not so nice though. other than that, i re-deisned my blog. here it is.. my eyes are tired now.. gtg.. byez..

arh~ buka pat town

2004-10-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

News Bulletin: MY EXAMS ARE OVER

so this is my first post since friday, the last day of exams.

ok today i woke up, sahur as usual.. woke up late arh actually the whole family. ended up eating plain rice with kicap and scrambled eggs. sounds pitiful? i dun tink so... imagine the hunger of other people out there who got less than what i eat. ok after that i went back to sleep. haha.

ok.. when i woke up.. it's 12 plus. straight away go online and chatted with feelza who went online just about a minute later... wat a coincidence.. she also havent bathe.. haha.. oooppss.. this was made public.. ahahaha... i did nothing but create beats today so far... yeah.. compiled up the beats into one so PhD soundclick wont be flooded and messy with beats.. hey.. we are not beats producing crew ok.. we're ill emcees. hehe.

then suddenly aidil went online. and ain also. we chatted together online on msn discussing on today's plan. yeah. the plan went on. and my place was raining so super heavily. so i was told to meet them and zee at woodlands at 5.30.

i burned a jmt cd.. a 3rd one.. haha.. i'm crazy. yeah.. so i went to meet them lar.. it was drizzling.. on the way to choa chu kang mrt.. i was like MOONWALKING with every step i take.. sooo darrn slippery arh the floor. ahaha.

i reached marsling.. and zee msged me askin where i am.. i replied "MARS! Haha" hahaa.. i was almost giggling alone but just tried not too or it would be dumb to do that alone in mrt. i was thinking.. I MOONWALKED TO MARS~! haha.. gawd..

so reached wlds.. met ain and zee at causeway point cinema... they were sitting down.. i let zee listen to the compiled beats i burnt together with the jmt songs... haha. okayz. then we go meet aidil. we decided to go to town and eat. wat a decision....

we were still in the car when it's time to buka.. Luckily aidil had a bottle of CHINESE KURMA.. hahha.. actually it's soured prunes or is it salted prunes.. iono.. haha.. so we went to cineleisure and ate there... i had nasi goreng.. it was nice.. of course lar.. hungry mah..

then we go in search for 7-11.. to buy some sour-ish snacks that i wanted. yeah.. didnt find it at orchad, went to toa payoh 7-11 and i had only the option of buying the PICK YOURSELF snacks.. bleargh.. but it at least satisfy my desire to eat some snacks.. so we chatted there... i couldnt stop going to the toilet cause the weather is cold and i'm wearing only bermudas..

aidil showed us (JOE, AIN, ZEE, met joe and halifi at 95) a few tricks.. at first it was scary, but then it is fun.. he can raise our arms.. i dunnoe how he do it... he just let us close our eyes, relax our selves, then swing our arms and use some hypnotic or mystical powers to like put pressure on our arms that seem to pull our hands up.. WOO~ it was fun and me and zee went through it twice... haha.

soon after that, zee kicked a cockroach when joe was being 'hypnotized'.. the cockroach was creeping at joe's slippers. then joe purposely vomitted at it.. DISGUSTING! and i didnt felt pity for the cockroach that much, but after repeated abuse.. i kinda feel sorry for it. but heck.. we went home after that... aidil sent us home, as usual.

reach home, i went straight online.. and i guess feelza was already sleeping. so then i decided to do a rap shit out.. yeah... 16lines i dropped.. titled "The Emcee of Death".. it's just below there.. below this post... check it out yeah and you'll know how dope PhD is.. cause syimmy can drop better than me, and zee has his own style of dropping cool shit like an eskimo.. so that's it for today... nitez..

The Emcee Of Death

2004-10-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

Born 6 feet deep with the rage of cage jurassic predators
A demon was raised from the underground like Lazarus
Suns blinded when he spawned from phlogiston like a phoenix
Immortality seperates him from the rap virtuosos and elites
The raw skills ignites the minds of combustible emcees
Stole heat and slain 'em in cold blood and the land freezed
Eternal torments ran through weak minds like a marathon
Triggering death on every step in the race to Babylon
A holocaust of mankind began when he walked the earth
Giving life to death with his words that cant be written off
Deceived the dying mortals when he brings light like Lucifer
Sent 'em to hell and given eternal punishment of great severe
Apocalyptic damages done, he journeyed through life portals
Roamed the different worlds in search for unaware mortals
Disguised as a man with his murderous skills unsurpassed
Is a heavenly angel with the heart of evil and known as Sazz

haha.. wannabe emcees.. listen up.. understand the complexity of this text.. it contains punchlines, wordplays, imageries, metaphors, a lil bit of multies.. yeah.. fuck it.. definitely vocabs.. and definitely it contains me.. ahaha.. SAZZ.. hahah

SHIT... SORRY GIRL~!!!

2004-10-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

well first of all i wanna say sorri to feelza. erhhkkzz... well.. here's how today went..

i woke up at 9am.. FUCK.. i didnt SAHUR. ok.. but i still did fast anyway. went online and chatted with syimmy and imran and den sms zee wat time to me and where. (BAD NEWS: imran said PhD cant perform with a feat... argh.. plan to perform with Lady Smif is kinda at stake.. either she join PhD or we have to perform without her) ...then zee said aidil is out of camp today. err.. ok. so i met zee at 2.25 at wlds mrt. we waited and met aidil at about 2.45.

we went to syimmy's place to pick him up. ok. so yeah. in my mind today i'm gonna watch SDC perform. YAY. and i cant wait. we went to far east plaza. along the way i msged izza about the news from imran. upon reaching far east... i got what i wanted... it cost me $6.00 and about half an hour...

next stop: beach road... well... we got there.. and it was almost a waste of time.. cause the cap that i wanted... zee and aidil said it was ugly and syimmy had no comment.. so bleargh.. it was 4.15... so we decided to go to sultan road to get some food for 'buka'.

aidil got lost on the way to sultan road.. it became 5.00.. all of us have a blank mind by then thinking of a near place to get food. den at the critical time.. 5.15 we decided to go to causeway point ramadhan bazaar.. in my mind was like.. "ohh shit.. is there sufficient time? i hope so.." i didnt wanna argue with the idea of going to causeway bazaar cause i dont know of any other place...

THE TRAFFIC WAS LIKE FUCKING SLOW.. fuck the fucking lords of all the lorries. we went to aidil's place for a while cause he wanna pick up. by the time we reach causeway point.. it was 5.50... "FUCK~! OHH GODDDDD NOOOO~!!!!!!!!!"

we rushed and aidil sped at the expressway like hell but still there's heavy traffic flow.. all i have in mind was "how was feelza doing... i hope she havent perform..." we break our fast in aidil's car... that's how late we were...

when we reached the area... we just stayed at the back of the crowd.. I don't know a single thing that was going on... den i thought maybe stay until the show ends. but one of my friends got something urgent going on the last minute... i was like "errrhhh okay" i was hoping to be able to watch more performance but only 1 performance was wat i got..... I'M SORY FEELZA~! ARRGHH~ I DIDNT MEAN THIS TO HAPPEN~!

once again aidil rushed.. sending us all to syimmy's place. then we hanged out there watchin a half of football before heading towards home supposedly. but end up sitting at coffeeshop with the rest of 92fam members except Azam. it was a massive gathering. aidil then left with us sending us home by 11.30. i reached home at 12.

the moment i reached home... instantly switched on my pc.. hoping feelza would be online but she isn't. and the next best thing i could do is post a blog entry.

I'm sorry girl.. haish~ i'm so dissapointed with whatever happened today. the timing today is totally off. i guess God just doesnt want me to be on time today fearing that something may happen... and i'm still thinking about wat u felt like if u know i was there.. but only for a few minutes.. haisshhh~ sorry..

My Angel

2004-10-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Londinium - Nothing Else

My angel clipped wings I know
Wonders in darkness on grimey ground
In a forest unclean unsound
Everything everything's gone wild
Make land for the cows to graze
Leaflets scatter around to advertise sell out

A swamp in it hands stretched out
To catch a passing dime
Donations to the rich widened
Pavements for the poor
Somewhere else to lie
But my friend the carriage door
Stands slightly ajar
And I know clipped wings make uneasy flight
But we've got to reach

A place where the feast never ends
A moment when the music celebrates
And a time when darkness belongs
To night skies and nothing else
Nothing else -No-

Tomorrow my spirit seen
Fears today my mind
Soul aches so deep
Always craves my body to reach

YOU ALL TAIK~! YOU ALL JUBOOOO JUBOO~ JUBOO~

2004-10-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

ok.. today was a crazy day.. haaha... with the words~ YOU ALL JUBOOO~ BRUCE WAYNE AND BRUCE WILLIES.. err... BOOM...

ok.. first of all. it started out by me and aidil and zee. the normal 3 guys who always seem to hangout together everytime. it's a guys day out.

WITH REGGAE MUSIC and a moment of MUDVAYNE rockin aidil's car, you know how we behave.

aidil fetched me, zee of course already inside the car, we went to lot 1. at lot 1, nuthin much happen, other than me and zee confusing aidil on which wallet to buy. but he got one after that. and i made a mannequin's hand got loose. it can fall out anytime. heh~ so after that we went to my place, burned a couple of cds before the action begins. JENG JENG JENG.

First stop was at Yishun. Wanna watch "Art of The Devil". before that we had some lunch at long john silver. aidil and zee were starting on their nonsense already. i'm busy reading new paper after zee KUTIP from the floor at the staircase that leads to the carpark, that's where we pretended to be soldiers too. haha.

ok so we got tickets, had lunch. and watched the movie. the movie was okay, the black magic were gruesome and yeah... there is such black magin in this world. but the thai girl is sooooo PRETTY AND CUTE~ awww~ and so is the girl who sits behind me. haiz~ haha. after the movie, me and zee realised that whenever aidil asked us to go movie as a trio, the plot will be like.. a story plot where the movie starts and ends which returns back to the starting.. APPEEE CAKAAAPP~! ok.. i dunnoe how to explain it.. so fuck it. after that we YAMAKASI our way down, zee wanted to jump 1 story down and try to land on stairs.. but he backed off. lucky he still got BRAINS.

soon after that, we headed to plaza singapura. went to the starhub customer service center. i told aidil to pick up 3 sweets on a plate provided for the customers. den i took another 3 more. so we waited. and on the way out, zee walked back inside alone.. and just picked more sweets. haha. GILER. but he only manage to grab 1. PATHETIC. on th way out, we stopped by a tv shop, watch some war movie clip for a few minutes before moving back. we passed by some electrical mart.. forgot the name arh. got this staff was playing with the X-Box on display. i tink it was aidil who yelled.. "Working staffs are not allowed to play!" ok so we watch him play den we criticized his gaming style in front of him. haha. gawd. so baad huh~

so now we heading to causeway point / civic center. half-way there. we let down the windows and blasted MUDVAYNE~! haha. yeah~ it was a hellotta noise. and we saw a couple of MAT TAPPERED. Zee yelled: "CHOPSTICK~ YOU ALL TAIK" and I yelled "YOU ALL JUBO". the mats were confused. obviously they dont know we yelling at them. haha

upon reaching civic, me and aidil and zee wrestled each other. zee end up lying at the bottom all squashed. then me and aidil grabbed his leg and dragged him from the lift to the walkway. haha. that made a lot of noise too. he was shouting.. JANGAN~ JANGAN~ .... sounds like he was dragged to be raped. haha. den we went to toilet, running there. haha. aidil locked himself alone in the toilet. i was outside with zee. we were unsure wat to do. all i know is we pushed the door, den failed, den pretended to be silent. and switched off the toilet lights too. den on the way out, i pretended to be unable to open the door as if the door was locked. and SOMEONE SQUEEZED MY BUTT~! GRRRR~! i thot it was aidil, i beat him. but then suddenly zee went of running.. and laughing. okay.. beaten the wrong guy. i chased zee down. he stopped running cause he couldnt stop laughing. den i beat him. haha.

on the way to causeway point, i was skiing on one foot. the slippers were.. SLIPPERY. haha.

okayz. we met ain and irna at causeway point. nothing much. watched a video of cool breakdance and sumtin like you got served type of dance.. it was FUCKING COOOL~ all i remembered is... everytime me and zee saw a mat or wateva.. we will go.. YOU ALL TAIK. YOU ALL JUBO. and yeah.. once i spit on one of them. he was at level 1. i'm at level 4. i spit down on him at causeway point. the fun is dying cause zee is with ain already. haizzz~ he haf to behave himself i guess. haha.

so we went to toa payoh. the original hometown of 92fam. but now no more blk 92. now is blk 95. i teached my friends how to dance the real reggae way. hahaha. it was nonsense actually. if you want to see how, after raya, come follow me go HRC. and i'll show you how. heh~ i still tinkin of other dance steps too. hahaha. something dat ppl dont do at clubs. haha. after that we chatted bout ghost stories and stuffs.

den go home.. den at home chat wid feelza.. that girl.. erkz.. she's younger than me... so she's my copycat. i cant copy her cause she wasnt born before i was born. haha. yeah
nitez e'one. luv ya. pz. out.

guilt..

2004-10-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

ok.. i post this for today. i felt so guilty. so horrible. the moment i read the entry, blood rushes to my head intensely. my head become heavy with a lot of guilt. my heart suddenly paced so slow because of the guilt. i went speechless when i heard avril's - slipped away. my fingers weighs of the feeling of guilt as i was forcin myself to think wat to type at the tagboard. i didnt forget that day on purpose. i just..... didnt remember. but i know there's no such excuse. my previous entry below was the day that i should haf remembered. but i didnt. i couldnt say sorry, fearing that it'll bring memories of that day and makin it worst. haiz~ there's nothing else for me to say, but to carry on with life. i got to carry on studyin again for now. and it's not even 12 noon yet.

Trinity

2004-10-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

hello fans. haha. siak. ok. today is a very erm.. sluggish day. woke up as early as 6 for soccer. i met zee and aidil for a game with ite combined team. when we reached the field, it looked like some old battlefield. there's hardly any grass. and the goalpost, u dun need a tall person to jump to reach the bar. a short person, i dunnoe.

the game was ok lar.. drawed 2-2. i didnt really concerntrate on the game. no one did. aidil was dissapointed with the team of course. haha. so heck. it doesnt matter. it's not our team anyway.

so after the game, we all went home. i bought some banditto pocket meal from kfc, brought it home to eat it. the pepsi sucked and the cheese fries lacked the cheese. soon i was watchin tv, and by 4 o'clock, the tv set was off and i was asleep.

didnt really dream. if i did, i couldnt remember. woke up at 7. and felt real giddy after that. super duper giddy. can still feel giddy til now. i soon chatted with my mom and sis and stuffs til it was 8.30.

i went online and was doing some notes on NSA. for me to read for revision. only 1 chapter done. i'm moving too slow. daym. need to pick-up my pace. soon feelza went online and everything went to a halt. and up chattin with her. and then leftool joined the conversation. i dun really know why. i was like.. ok.. so i went practicing lines. had done up to only 3 lines. a lot of interruptions caused me to lose my concerntration. so hell. i didnt even think of keeping the 3 lines to continue some other time.

syimmy went online soon and started talkin on how much he wanna do malay rap or sing an rnb. ok. so i had no comments. ok.. i really dont know wat to say next. cause after that feelza went offline and so did i. so yeah. here it is. i owe her a testimony, i still dont know what to write for her. cause i wanna make it good. the idea will come soon. just wait

ok peepz. time for me to go now. byez.

PhD is FUCKING ILL

2004-10-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

ok first of all.. today sucked~! thanks to syigalow and zee-phyr my crew mates. haha. YOU SUCK MAN~! ok.. truth is they dont but ZEE completed his lines. i fuckin love his 4th stanza... DAYM.. its like Canibus already..FUCK. and syigalow just only dropped some of his shit after seeing wat zee wrote. and fuck. it's fucking ill..

ok.. first of all.. my day as usual. starts at home. i had a fucking wet dream. fuck. haha. den i woke up all tired. so heck. still went to school listening to a new cd i just burnt. i'm liking the new songs.

in school, had a lecture about body fats. okok lar, learnt that fats cant be removed in a body. i sat beside yiguang. we played with blue tacks. making it long and we pretended to be gangsters as we hanged them on our ears. then yiguang started to make small little balls with it, tossed it in the direction of Mani. who was hit on the head. HAHA. Mani's reaction: AS IF HE WAS ELECTRICUTED~! haha. he jerked so suddenly. poor fella.

ok after that we had a half hour break before our coaching practical lesson. played with kinda spongy rockets. my friend put it under his crotch and said that... that is his dick and showed it to girls~! hahaha. wtf. so we had fun throwing the rockets. too many silly things happened during the 1 hour session. i cant describe them all. haha. i got no time to describe arh actually. fucking lazy.

then i went to wlds library. was supposed to meet irna and ain.. i dunnoe about zee at that time... at 3.30. i reached there at abt 3.40 and was told dat ain was in the library. went to meet her and she told me dat irna is still at sch. ookaaayyyy~ so we waited til 4.30. den we had dessert. dats it. i'm still craving for more mouth-watering deserts til now.

went home after every thing was done at civics. reach home, as usual, soon i went online and chatted with feelza again. haha. her character is soooo likeee... ME. haha. crazy arh dat girl. my significant other? iono... so chat chat.. now update blog. and in the blog i type:

"ok first of all.. today sucked~! thanks to syigalow and zee-phyr my crew mates. haha. YOU SUCK MAN~! ok.. truth is they dont but ZEE completed his lines. i fuckin love his 4th stanza... DAYM.. its like Canibus already..FUCK. and syigalow just only dropped some of his shit after seeing wat zee wrote. and fuck. it's fucking ill..

ok.. first of all.. i am not gonna repeat everything again.. hahaha..

ok wateva it is.. nitez people. tanx. bubyez.

OUTERSPACE WE LYVE~!

2004-10-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

hhaah. weird topic u tink? no.. it's a FUCKING GOD DAYM nice song i just got. haha.

ok.. today is monday right? yeah. felt like tuesday already. haha.

ok. today is really boring. nothing much. just had an hour of blardy boring lecture. shouldn't have gone to it. wasted my time. haha.

den i went home after lecture. went online and was like.. wasting time listening to music and found a new song by Outerspace. it's cool. and this kinda songs are hard to find on kazaa or such.

so i went out to meet ain, zee and irna to go study at woodlands library. yeah. heck. we studied. but zee didnt seem to. maybe he cant concentrate. well i wasnt 100% either but managed to get sum work done. not enough tho. i need more study sessions. daym.

then after study i went home and eat. then went online and listened and recorded the song i just found. listened to the song a couple of times then i had an idea or 2 for my divineaura mixtape lyrics. so i wrote it down. i was about to just type out wateva happen today in bloggie den suddenly feelza came online.

haha. everything went to a stop and i chatted wid her. so yeah. had the usual stuffs to chat wid dat crazy girl. haha. iono wat only she tinkin.. ape pikiran nie?????~~~ hahaha. and she called me a cute bastard~ wtf.. ok lar.. i wanna go sleep too. nitez ppl.

Sunday Soccer

2004-10-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

hello people. hmm.. haha. surprise~! i skipped saturday~! cause i was to sleepy to type out wat happen. all i remembered was that i had a chat wid syeera on msn and my crew mate syimmy on irc. syimmy was like giving tutorial lessons on emceein. haha.

ok sunday. i woke up late. suppose to meet aidil at 7, but woke up at 7. my mom forgot to wake me up but nvm. i went straight to shower, pack and off to meet aidil and zee. we went to fetch mail for a soccer game for abg wan's team. yeah.

well, i played a little. wasnt satisfied cause i was coughing too, like aidil and zee. but zee had some blood from it. heck, the 3 of us just recovering from fever we got at the same time. best friends do things together. haha. aidil and mail played a second game after that for some team in red. mail is now known as MAN. aidil is ADI. haha. heck.

we all went off to lunch at ang mo kio central wid irna and ain. so had lunch. then sent mail back home. and aidil and zee went home too, they gotta take their stuffs for the SARKER FARKER game. meanwhile me and ain and irna went to causeway point to get some pictures and irna didnt buy wateva she had wanted.

irna den go home, and ain gave a picture of Nurul and Aidil together, to aidil. Aidil was like.. WAAHH.. den he wanted me to place it on the.. well.. iono wat to call that, but he can just see the picture there. it's rare to see aidil smile because of love nowadays ever since i knew him.

heck, so we played the game. i cant concerntrate and played really badly. the lightning was giving me the BLEARGH... sight of death. but then i told myself this phrase: "I am the lightning. People fear me. Within a blink of an eye, I tear the defence like the sky" but heck.. nice phrase but it didnt work. i was too tired then cause of running in water-logged boots. so after the game, aidil sent us to wld mrt and we went seperate ways. HOME that is.

once i reach home, i unpacked, eat and watch tv. soon the tv was watching me. woke up at 10.15 later. go bathe and prepare to go online. i thought of waiting. but hey. i should most probably just do my usual online stuffs. check out mail, blog, friendster, chat wid friends on msn, learn new words for my knowledge, and since these past few days. i've been waiting. and now i'm still waiting. for something to happen.

Still waiting til the time is right and how I hope that the decision is right too. I've been through a lot of mistakes in this thing called WAITING. I tink i've been to patient. maybe i'm indecisive. iono. this is still bugging my mind since.. since as long as i remember.

thats it. today dont really give a happy ending. sorry. but i got these few things bugging my mind. i just hope i do the right thing.

Friday at town

2004-10-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

well its just a friday at town. it started out like this. zee went to send ain to sch. and he asked if i wanna study at wlds library. yeah so met him at 2.30. well that was wat was planned. but i end up meeting him at 3. thanks to an idea i got while playing around with my fruity loops.

well... the titles has already been done. inspired by the conversation by feelza and me. it's gonna be called "Universal Teeth". haha.. sounds like some track by Outerspace or whoever similar. It's gonna sound a bit funky if u give me like.. 3 to 4 weeks of total concerntration. but hell.. i got exams too you know. haha.

ok so i met zee, went to wlds library and it was packed wid small kids. Fark. why cant they celebrate children's day like how kids do? the library was like a playground already. a lot of young fresh chicks here and there, and under-developed mat wannabes hangin around. it's soo pathetic.

so we decided to go to town. met irna at town. just had stewed beef noodle. fried wanton and wateva 1 dish during a whole meal session. soon we walked to cineleisure after meeting ain too. haha. she skipped her class. gosh. so we walk and walk and went to cineleisure. played at the arcade. then came aidil. and yeah... i ate again at subway. a whole 6-inch of bread wid fillings. but i still wasnt full. we then walked and walked went back to far east. met nurul along the way. AIDIL WAS SOOO FREAKING HAPPY. hahah. at first he was shocked and a bit blurred. he was asking: "eh i tink i saw nurul. dat's nurul right?" a lot of other things he asked and i was like... yeah i saw her too.

so nurul joined us to go home. me and aidil raced to his car. hahaha. trying to immitate YAMAKASI but only aidil was the only one climbing and jumping. but weird thing is, we ran around the whole carpark when we can actually just run straight. hahaha. I DIDNT REALLY KNOW WHERE THE CAR IS. but hey... AIDIL DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHERE HE PARKED IT and HE OWNS IT. HAHAHA. It was funny lar.

the rest were shocked and irna scolded me "arh! main lari2 lagik" haha. they didnt know that we ran the wrong way. but if they read this, they know by now. everyone squeezed into the car. hahaha. as usual.

along the way back home in the car, there was this car that stopped beside us. it was full with hot chicks~! daym. and they were looking at us. i was sooo freaking shy. haha. WTF~! haha.. so i just looked down and played with aidil's phone. let them think i'm sombong. heck~ i was emberrassed.

so yeah, irna lend me the You Got Served dvd. hahah.. i'm slow and yeah. i know. gotta return her tmr. so i guess i'll watch it tmr morning. if my sis is home, she's lucky. if she got sch.. well too bad then. ok.. i'm going to sleep.. nitez.

The First Thursday after 29th sept.

2004-09-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

well hello people. It's thursday today. and still not feeling well. and i thought today we had coaching lessons. so that means FUN physical sports activity. but nah, my mood wasnt there so i packed my bag and went to sch.

so on the way to sch, i msged saiful asking where is class today? is it at sports hall or in a classroom. heck, he replied no class today.

so yeah, there was this hot girl taking the train in my direction to. we stepped in the train together from cck. i moved in to my right, and realised that she was moving to the left. then suddenly she stopped and followed me. i thought i was lucky. hopefully she dont sit beside me. and yess.. she sit directly in front of me. YAY~!

but that wasnt all from her, she just smiled a bit here and there. not at me but into her hp. maybe her guy smsed her. i cant stop looking at her. not because she's hot or wat. BUT SHE DIDNT BUTTON HER FIRST BUTTON FROM THE TOP. and that was hella... helllaaa.. hellllaaa hoooottt.. but i dun tink she did dat on purpose. OR DID SHE? haha

so i reached school, and she still havent alight when i alighted. maybe going she's to ITE Bishan. so heck. i bumped into a group of hot girls from the nursing block. i heard one of them saying... "uh-ohhh" and all eyes were on me. haha. wat the hell, sumting wrong wid me arh? i got taik hidung tergantung kat mulut ke? haha.

so i went to a lab, met my friends. told my friend abt this. he said: "why does this always happens to you? why not me?" hahaha.. and i am still thinking of wat he said. yeah.. how come arh? hahha.. after telling him the story, i realised that someone was eavesdropping. aerh.. spelling correct or not? haha. yeah.. a girl was listening to our conversation. it's this girl lar.. ppl say she got a crush on me. she's cute lar. but heck.

i went home, skipped lecture cause my fever gotten bad. went home and chatted wid izza again. haha. she couldnt stop wishing me happy birthday. wth.. and yeah, i went on wid my imagination and tried to make a cd cover for phd nye album which will never come til we have like 14 audios? but the picture of the mic looks cool tho. heck.. i'll upload the pic soon sometime when it's really done.

i did this and that, ate kfc, chatted wid my mum and sis. and my sis still think's i'm a guy full of crap. haha. told her the things wat my ite friends did in sch. i'm bad. but it's nothing dirty lar. haha.

then i saw feelza going online wid her nick indicating that she's sick. so we chatted til now. haha. talked abt some people she knew and that i barely knew. my friend ever said that SOME PEOPLE are born to steal. and that he stole my friends money, somehow he got my cap, i dunnoe how but my friend said a girl took it away from him. and yeah, lucky he didnt really steal a friend i've made last time. tanx to him, i'm chattin wid her again. yay~ a friend saved is another day for a guy without a job. it's JOBLESS MAN!

well feelza, get well soon girl. its only 10+ and i may still have a few hours more before my day goes to sleep. so wateva it is. nite my beloved readers. haf fun getting to know the real me through here. that's all.

After 20 years of breathing

2004-09-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

well i'm officially 20 at 0959 hours today. woke up with a sore right eye, ulcer, fever and some kind of mild sore throat. wat a way to start my day.

i checked my handphone and saw only 1 message received, it was izza. she wished me happy birth the second time since i woke up today. had a long shower. went online checked my friendster and saw 1 new friend request. i'm not sure who he is, but i know he's izza friend and also a representative from wills invasion.

and i added a shoutbox in my blog. yeah. that's all i did in the morning before i went to school. along the way to school, usual stuffs, listening to my Jedi Mind Tricks cd, trying to get inspiration but got none today.

had a business finance test today. i regretted not studying. i cant do it. most of the time i wrote utter nonsense. til now at 5pm, i'm still waiting for a happy birthday message from someone. maybe she forgot. or maybe she dont even know. haha. its ok. but what if she didnt care. well it doesnt matter anyway. well i tink i shall continue half of my post tonight before i go to bed. only half of the day is gone. there's stil time ahead.

______________________2nd Part ________________________

okay.. back at 1am in the mornin but i still take this as todays post. i received a wonderful b-day present from my mom. YAY~ it's just a small book, smaller than the size of my palm. but it got meaning ful phrases abt a parent and a son. haha. and my fever has cooled down a bit by it. and still, it's already 30th september actually, and i guess maybe i need to remind that someone dat today is my b-day. hahaha. but naah~ i'm a guy who forgives and forget. its not a big deal anyway.

i finished a new layout for my blog.. i dun really know why i add Stoupe - Kublai Khan as some kind of background sound. well.. listening to my ever heart breaking song of all time: Green Day - Redundant. wat i like abt this song is everything. but the phrase: "I'm speechless and redundant cause 'I LOVE YOU' is not enough, I'm lost for words" has been playing some part of a bad memory. I still cant get over the incident i faced like YEAARS ago.

Now i wonder where does Ridani have been... heard she's in sp and playin floorball. and here i am, hahaha.. have always been a redundant, not only to her, but to a lot of other people too. i think it's a curse. haha.

well, how come i stepped into this topic? my mind can easily lose focus. haha. like wat ain said, i got a short concentration span. TRUE TRUE KASEEEEHH~ is dat how it's spelt? hahaa. well wateva it is, i tink i end now. haha. sheeshh.. tmr is another day. and yeah, more adventures for me.

nite everyone..

My Birthday

2004-09-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

well this is the day when my blog is born. exactly 20 years after i was born. well not precisely but it's still 29th september.

here's where i post my thoughts i guess. got inspired when i see aidil created his own blog. so i'm starting one too.

last night i was presented with a pleasant surprise from my fellow friends. Aidil, Zee, Irna and Ain. they got me a chocolate birthday cake. i wished i had made a wish which is worthwile, but the unexpected gift was a little bit overwhelming for me to even think straight.

i went home happy. and then received messages from my friends in msn and smses too. everyone just wished me happy birthdays. even those peepz in msn, who i barely know, wished me happy birthday too. But the person I was hoping to hear from haven't wished me. But it's ok.

well i have a day ahead of me, test later at 2 and still not prepared. stuck with a potential fever, how i wished this headache would go away. don't ruin the first day of my 20th year with a fever ok God? hehehe. just kidding. the sickness may be of good use for me. i just accepted wat u have given me. so far life has been good.

the good times are there, the bad times are there. life is fair. if anyone ever said life is unfair, think again and think about where u are now. hehe.. i got soo much to talk about... but i tink i should save it some other time. i wanna edit my blogskin for now.

so see you readers soon. love all my family and friends even though you're not close to me~! sometimes a stranger can make changes in your life too. bubbyez~